Desired

23. Ruined by Zach

Zach has ruined my ability to sleep. Without his warm body, all I can do is stare into the darkness and think about him.

I don't want to think about Zach. 

I walk along the dark stuffy hallways in desperate need of fresh air. Opening the back door, someone on the other side briefly flashes a torch in my face before turning it off.

'Kit? What are you doing out here?' Mercy asks.

'I need some fresh air.' I say.

'I'm afraid you're not allowed to go out at night unless it's to the toilet block, and even then you still need to fetch Becky who's on patrol inside to accompany you.'

'Can I stand here?' Because the prospect of hours staring into the darkness as I torture myself over Zach is the last thing I want. 

'Of course,' Mercy says.

I press my body against the cool wall, inhale deeply and stare up at the sky. Gaps between the black clouds reveal a deep blue sky speckled with twinkling stars. It reminds me of home, of sitting outside Alma's cabin or on my family's porch.

Never before have I wanted to talk to Alma or Mattan as much as I do now. They would know what I should do, they would know where I went wrong, they would know how I can fix this. Although, I'm starting to think it's gone past the point of repair. There is nothing left of me and Zach to fix. Zach has made that perfectly clear.

I miss my family. I miss the unconditional love and the safety I felt with them; I don't miss the settlement and the distance created between people. I don't miss the constant awareness and fear of every movement you make.

'Can't sleep?' Mercy says, interrupting my thoughts.

'Yeah.' I nod.

'Bo neither. To be honest, ever since his dad died in a night raid he's had difficulty. He often joins patrol at some silly hour then goes back to bed for a bit at sunrise.'

'Is he on patrol now?' I ask, continuing to stare at the sky.

'He wanted to, but Ethel left strict instructions that he was not allowed and he had to rest. He's currently staring out the games room window, has been for the last few hours. I'm not even meant to be on tonight but Dolly's gone AWOL.'

'AWOL?'

'Yeah, she's missing; she'll come back. She does it often. Sometimes, she comes back with a person to join but that hasn't happened for a few years. Now, she returns with a trailer full of stuff she's collected from the outside. She brings loads of presents too, to stop anyone being angry at her disappearing for days on end.' Mercy chuckles. 'Anyway, my shift's about to end then I'm going to join Bo. Nate and Cas are coming too. Want to come?'

'Sure.' I frown. 'Do you normally hang out in the middle of the night?'

Mercy chuckles softly. 'No, we're not normally on patrol at the same time but as we were today, I suggested we chill for a bit before going to bed.' Mercy sighs. 'It's horrible to say, but we need a laugh since everything that's happened, which is kind of impossible when Raz is there, he's devastated about Faith. I am too, we all are, but it hit Raz the hardest and none of us know what to say.'

'I don't think there is much you can say. Words won't bring her back. All you can do is show him that you're there for him, that you'll always be there for him whenever he needs you.' I shrug.

I think back to losing Alma, of hating everyone's sympathetic looks and their insincere condolences. Only Zach made me feel better; not because of words, because he was there for me without expectations, he listened and asked questions about Alma.