Moonlight | Kim Taehyung

20: Taehyung

Why did I kiss her? Do I like her? I don't know. My mind's running wild and my heart is beating uncontrollably. I don't know what's up with me. First, I kissed Aurora because I thought she was Haneul and now I kissed Luna because I may or may not have feelings for her. I'm such a mess. I don't know what I want right now. Do I want to be more than friends with Luna? Do I really want that?

Her song is stuck in my head and I can't stop thinking about how close our faces were. I can't forget about our kiss. I can't forget the way our lips press together. Her lips are so sweet and soft, they're like marshmallows.

Yet, I can't forget about Haneul. Will I ever be able to move on from her and learn to love someone else? Will I be able to open my heart to Luna and love her the same way I love Haneul? Maybe, I'll be ready to love her over time. But, when will that be? How long will Luna be willing to wait for me to be ready? What if I'm never ready? What if Haneul is the only one for me?

Once again, I'm standing at the rooftop of my apartment and I'm staring at the view before me. Staring at the stars and moon that Luna loves oh-so-much. Jimin is standing beside me. Both of us have a bottle of beer in our hands.

"Hey, where's Jungkook?" I ask.

"Probably sleeping. It's literally 1:00 in the morning, Taehyung," Jimin says. "So, what's up? Why did you call me to come over? You're lucky that I wasn't asleep yet and was out mingling at a night club."

I sigh, "I just want to get drunk with someone."

"Well, I'm already quite drunk," Jimin chuckles and the beer in his hand sloshes.

"I think I'm in love," I say hesitantly.

I need to get this off my chest. I need to tell someone about how I'm feeling. If this had nothing to do with Luna, then I would be talking to her instead of Jimin. But, this is about her. About my feelings for her.

"In love?" Jimin looks at me in confusion.

"Yeah," I say. "With Luna."

"Luna," he says and seems to be recalling who she is. "The girl who encouraged you to make up with Jungkook and I?"

I nod in response and he so does he, "She's a great girl. If I were you, I would hook up with her."

I sigh, "I'm being serious, Jimin."

"I'm being serious too. Who says I'm not?"

"I really feel like I'm falling in love with her. Even though we haven't known each other for a long time, I feel like I know so much about her."

Jimin places a hand on my shoulder, "Then tell her you love her, or have you already told her that?"

I shake my head, "No...but...I kissed her."

Jimin almost spits out the beer he just gulped down as he looks at me in astonishment, "You kissed her?! If you did that, then you're in love."

"What makes you say that?" I say and get slightly offended by his words.

"What I mean is, since you kissed another girl, that means you're willing to move on from Haneul. You were so obsessed with her, it's good that you're falling for someone else. It's good that you're moving on. You can't stay stuck to a dead girl forever."

"I know that..."

"Then let yourself love Luna, let yourself move on. Stop feeling guilty about it, you're not doing anything wrong by loving someone other than Haneul. She's not here anymore and she's not coming back. Stop trying to avoid the reality of it and let yourself love again. Let go of Haneul, okay?"

"It's not that easy to let go of her. I love her. She was my everything. She lit up my whole world. She's like the moonlight."

"Luna can light up your world too, you just have to let her. She can be your moonlight. Her name literally means the moon."

"But... I'm not ready to love her yet."

"No, you're ready. You kissed her, that means you're ready. You're just afraid. Afraid of loving someone who might leave you again, just like Haneul."

"I..." I start to say, but I know he's right.

I'm afraid that if I love Luna and let her into my life, I'll just lose her again and I would be heartbroken. I don't want to get my heart broken again, I don't want to feel the pain that I know I won't be able to bear. Losing Haneul was suffocating, it felt as though I was drowning in an ocean with no bottom. I don't want to feel that way again. I just can't.

"Don't be afraid to love her or you might lose her to another guy," Jimin says.

He seems to really want to me to love her. He really wants me to move on. I know it'll be for the best and I'm grateful that he wants me to be happy again, but I don't know if my heart can take it. I don't know if I'm strong enough to love again.

"Just tell her that you love her, don't keep it to yourself. It'll only burden you more," Jimin tries to encourage me.

"But what if she doesn't feel the same way?" I ask.

"Did she push you away when you kissed her?" Jimin asks me back.

I shake my head, "No."

"Then she must feel something for you," Jimin assures me.

Should I tell her? Can I do that? She may have been willing to kiss me at that moment, but does that mean she has feelings for me? What if I just end up getting hurt because she doesn't love me back? But, I suppose I would never know unless I tried.

I down the entire bottle of beer. My head is swirling and I feel dizzy. I want to get drunk, even though I know getting drunk isn't the solution to solve how I'm feeling. I'll just get a hangover. But I keep drinking anyways, until the ground is littered with empty beer bottles and I'm on the ground, sitting with my back against the railing with Jimin passed out beside me.

I don't exactly know why I'm doing this, but I'm calling Luna at 4:00AM. She must be asleep right now, yet I just have to get this off my mind. I've decided to tell her I love her. Maybe it's because I'm drunk so I'm making this reckless decision. I'll probably regret doing this when I'm sober.

She picks up the call, "Hello? Taehyung?"

"Hey... Luna..." I slur.

"Why are you calling me at this hour?" her voice is gentle and she sounds sleepy. "Are you drunk?"

She seems to hear the hiccup and slur in my voice.

"Yeah... I am... but I have something to... tell you..." I say. "It's important. I have to say it right now."

"I'm in love with you," I admit confidently.

She doesn't reply, which is making me worry. I'm afraid that she'll reject me. My heart is pounding as I anticipate her reply.

"You're drunk, Taehyung," she says and sighs.

"I'm being serious. I may be drunk, but I meant what I said. I am in love with you, Luna." I say earnestly.

She's silent again.

" How about Haneul?" she asks.

I cut her off, "I've moved on from her. Or at least, I'm moving on from her. Let me fully move on by loving you."

"I... I don't know what to say."

"Just tell me you feel the same way. If you didn't feel anything for me, then why did you let me kiss you?"

"I do feel like I'm falling in love with you too, but... you can't just say you're in love with me when you just told me to forget about the kiss. When you just left without letting me say anything and when you just told me you're still in love with Haneul."

"I... I do love Haneul... but I will move on if you let me love you. I'm serious. I'm willing to let go of Haneul... for you."

I may be being reckless and irrational by telling Luna that I'm in love with her, but I just had to do it. I needed to in order to move on from Haneul. I promised Luna that I would move on, so that's what I'm doing. I'm moving on, just like she told me to.