i am not a replacement

Chap1(divorce)

Dead people don't haunt us. It's the other way around.
We refuse to let go of them, and we think that we are torturing ourselves with their thoughts but maybe they are the ones being tormented with our cries and tantrums...

I've seen so many of these cases throughout my short lived life, and I refused to be one since I'm living with a case and it's hard, yet, worth it...

I. As stupid as it sounds. I refused to see my family or have any sort of contact with any of them for years. Because I knew the moment I did, all of this won't be worth it anymore; it's all worthless when compared to my home.

If I'm accurate with my calculations, it's been;

Five years of marriage but almost eight years of being a mom

Five years since leaving my family but almost eight since living without them

Nine years knowing each other but knowing nothing about

Nine years since I was twenty...
Yes! I am not twenty anymore!

But you know what?
These years are just a number and when it comes to time, it's just a moment... And here, my moment was filled with so much pain and regret. Endless pain and regret.

And in this moment, is when all of it dawned on me; the moment I was on my knees for someone who was totally out of my reach...

"You might have replaced his wife but you are never going to replace my mother!" those were his words.. The same words in which he finally turned my assumptions into reality. The assumptions I kept denying for so long, thinking it was all because I expected too much as a mother, that it was all in my head and it was just his ways. He was just a kid.

But who said kids couldn't break hearts?

His little hands pushed mine as I was trying to get his bag...which made me question myself... 

"Wasn't it enough?"

Wasn't it enough that I was on my knees just to get to his level? To get closer?... Then how come he is getting further away by every passing day? Just what was I supposed to do? What more can I give away?

"Louis get into your room now!!" his voice boomed from behind me but I couldn't take my eyes off the soft but blazing blue ones as they were digging holes in me, killing me slowly.

"I SAID NOW!"

His blue orbs left mine with a final glare as he passed by me, bumping my shoulder onto his before his small but heavy steps took his small silhouette away from me.

"I will deal with him..you can go get some rest, Amanda" the other one stated, before he left following the previous.

Amanda

He has always used endearments to call her but I was just. an "Amanda"...

I was not a replacement as Louis thought. I could never be and I never wanted to be...
I was just a stupid brick to use and fill the hole in one of the walls in here. Yet, still, even as a brick I was absolutely useless.

"I could never be you, Ivy. I could never replace you... And trust me. I never intended to."

They named me Amanda, which means "The one who deserves love".
I was a happy virus as a kid; had and still do have so many friends. Life wasn't that hard growing up for me; a happy complete family and good friends, food in my plate and a ceiling over my head. I was content and satisfied with all I had, and with that  I wanted to spread my happiness somehow so I decided to become a psychiatrist.