Perfect Beginning (The Prequel)

chapter 12

You had walked out of the restaurant and into the car with your head held high.

You thought no one looking at you would have seen the hurt in your chest or the beating your brain was giving your fragile self esteem. You did not realize that tears had been silently streaming down your face since you handed the bartender the note and asked him to deliver it to Jin.

When you arrived home and shut the door you finally felt the tears, dashing them from your face.

You leaned against the door for a moment remembering the stupid, ridiculous version of yourself who had left tonight, the clueless you that forgot love was a dirty game played by unequal partners.

You shook your head. When did you grow so cynical?

You removed you coat and threw it in the direction of the hooks in the hall. You removed one boot, then the other, throwing each one in a different direction.

You alternated between anger and hurt as you headed toward your bedroom.

How could you have been so stupid as to have fallen for this again?

You threw the strands of necklaces on the bar as you passed then ripped your shirt over your head and dropped it where you stood.

"What an idiot" you thought to yourself as you remembered this afternoon as you worried how the evening might end, worried what Jin's expectations were.

You allowed yourself to imagine what it might have been like to have been walking toward your bed with him, the stripping of your clothes for him and not out of anger or frustration.

You would never know that freedom with him. You would never see his eyes darken with lust for you or hear him beg you to touch him, see him so lost in you that he could no longer form words, only sounds of need and pleasure.

Those thoughts caused an ache in you that you had never felt before.

Then you shook your head. Nope, never again would you do that for a man who did not respect you, who did not care for you, who would not grow to love you.

The battle to regain your self respect had been too hard fought to give up for another pretty package that turned out to be empty.

At that thought you removed your jeans and threw them as far as you could.

You stepped into the bathroom and looked at yourself in the mirrors. You scowled at your body in the sexy black underwear set you had saved for a special occasion.

"What a idiot" you repeated.

You carefully looked at yourself in the mirror, noting your creamy skin stained with the flush of crying, your hair tumbling around you still in soft waves.

You checked your makeup to see the smudges from the crying had made you look a touch exotic. One necklace had been missed in your haste and it now lay sparkling across the swell of your breasts. The black satin and lace of the bra and panties perfectly sat off your pale skin.

"Fuck him" you thought, "He is the loser here!"

You would repeat this as many times as you had to until your heart believed it too.

You washed your face and changed into your tee shirt and sleep shorts. You checked the time. It was well past the time that Jin should have received your note....and nothing.

That was that then.

You settled in the bed and stared at the ceiling, counting the ways you should have protected yourself so that you would not be feeling this way right now.

As you reached to make sure your alarm was set for earlier than usual your phone rang, startling you. It was Jin. You just couldn't talk to him right now.

Holding your phone to your chest you begin to think if there was anything he could say to make this right.

Could you trust him to be different from the ones who hurt you after tonight?

Then the texts started.

You read each one, wavering as he begged for a chance to explain.

Finally it was too much. Tomorrow really was a critical day. You would have go deal with this later. You asked him to leave you alone.

Then, almost as an afterthought, you realized he was right about two things:

1) He was absolutely an ass.

2) Somehow you knew leaving things this way would be one of the biggest mistakes of your life.

You sent him a final message:

For some reason that made you feel inordinately better.

You feel asleep immediately thinking of the meeting, however you dreamed about a beautiful man sitting across from you, holding your hand and begging you to give him a second chance.