Infinity Times Infinity (Book One)

Chapter 18

Mikaela's POV

By the time I got out of the shower, Ryan was sitting on the bed with two glasses of whiskey, a bottle of Crown Royal next to him, and he was wearing my fluffy pink robe.

I couldn't help myself. I burst out laughing.

"Oh no sweetheart you do not get to get to laugh at me. It's your fault that I got soaked because I had to run after you in a thunderstorm."

He had a twinkle in his blue eyes, and the corners of his mouth were twitching as if he were trying not to smile.

I pulled another robe out of my dresser and put it on. I quickly towel dried my hair and joined him on the bed.

"So tell me..." he began.

I cut him off and said "I had a dream." I took a deep breath. "Not just a dream, a nightmare. It was terrible, awful. It terrified me. Earlier, I was feeling content. Happy. Something I had not felt in a couple of years. I realized I was crazy about you. I never expected that."

Tears began to burn in my eyes.

"The nightmare was awful. I can't talk about it right now. I don't even want to think about it. When I woke up, I panicked. I was hit with an overwhelming sense of guilt. And fear. I couldn't breathe. I felt like a large weight was sitting on my chest. I went into a full blown panic attack. Guilt, fear, guilt, fear. Guilt because I was starting to move on from Jason, who died defending his country. Fear because well Jason died. He was doing something dangerous. He knew it was dangerous. He knew he might never make it home, but he did it anyway and I never saw him again."

Tears were now streaming down my face as the walls around my heart began to crumble.

"I hate seeing you cry sweetheart. I hate that making you talk about it is hurting you so much, but you need to let it out in order to heal." He said.

"I swore I would never be involved with anyone who put themselves in danger. It hurt. It hurt so bad. Then after the hurt, I felt nothing. I became numb. I don't know what was worse: the pain or the numbness. Then, you walked into that room all those months ago, and I felt something. For the first time in so long, I was able to feel again, and it was good. It was so good, that I just wanted to keep feeling it. The more time I spent with you, the more I felt. Then the old doubts began to creep back in. The hurt, the fear and yes, the guilt. I let myself be happy for a little while and it all came crashing down on me. I'm a fucking train wreck Ryan. I'm broken and I don't know if I can ever be put back together. Why do you even want to be with me? You deserve so much better."

I was sobbing now.

Ryan put his arms around me and held me tight while I cried.

My cries finally began to subside, so he pulled back, put his hands on my shoulders and looked deep into my eyes.

"You are not broken. You want to know why I want to be with you Mikaela? You're beautiful. You're smart. You're ridiculously talented. You're funny and feisty and you make me laugh. You bring me out of my shell. You also make me feel things I've never felt before. I don't know exactly what it is, but I know I'm crazy about you too. I don't want anyone else. I only want you."

He paused for a moment to let those words sink in.

"Mikaela, I know what I do is dangerous, but you have to believe me when I tell you that I am safer in that race car than I am driving down the street. Sure there are going to be crashes. That's the nature of the sport. I may get banged up and bruised and sore, but I can live with that. Yes, it's a risk, but life itself is a risk, and we have to keep on living. We can't let fear dictate our lives."