If I Were A Boy (camren)

Chapter Six

TRIGGER WARNING (TW)

To be honest, over the next few weeks, I didn't leave my room at all; except for shows, of course. Normani refused to switch roommates when the girls asked, which sort of made Ally suspicious. Overtime, I think Dinah and Normani explained everything to her, I'm not sure because I've been really out of it. On stage I make sure to act like everything is alright, but when we get off I just head somewhere isolated and secluded. I didn't talk to anyone, or look at anyone actually. I sat down on my bed, Indian Style against the headboard of my hotel room bed in our newest show, Texas.

"Hey Lo-Lo," Normani hushed, entering the room. She had been visiting her family for the whole day, and was now back, which was strange. She had even told me she was staying over, but now she was here. "I got you some food, and a little gift."

Normani approached my bedside and placed down a plastic bag, filled with assortments of snacks and a squarish figure shadowed into it. She noticed me raise my eyebrow and gave a smile, reaching into the bag and tugging out a wrapped object.

"For your troubles," Normani handed it to me and watched me carefully rip it open. "And mostly for back home, because I know you have a record player there."

I grinned widely at her, looking at the Lana Del RAY record in my hands, "It's great."

Normani's jaw dropped, surprised that I even responded, "Good. Hope you like the food, because we are eating all night honey."

I laughed as I slid the record under my pillow for later, "Thank you, Mani. Really. No one has bothered to cheer me up, and this is really great."

"Yeah," Normani eyed me, squinting her eyelids. "Are you ok? You're sweating. Let me turn on the A/C."

She headed towards the small machine by the window, turning it on by pressing a few buttons. The air shot out, Mani walking back towards me.

"You're literally dripping," she laughed heart fully, nodding towards my long sleeve sweater and sweats. "Change."

"I don't want to," I whisper. She stares at me for a while, and then her eyes go completely wide.

"No," she hurries over next to me and attempts to tug at my sleeves.

"Stop it, Mani!" I hiss at her, pulling them down, but fail miserably. She pulls up my sleeves, revealing multiple scars from obvious razor cuts.

"Holy shit, Laur," her voices quivered. "You did not."

"Look at them, Mani, I fucking did," I shot back her, shrugging her touch off and rolling back down my sleeves. "I feel awful, I refuse to eat, and no one even has a simple conversation with me, to ask how I am. Everyone is with Camila on this one, and I feel like an asshole."

"You need to fucking tell her, this has to end," Normani sniffled, sucking up tears.

"Tell her what? That I'm sorry? You have no idea how many times I have, and she wanted me to stop talking to her, and I promise," I screamed, sliding from my bed. "Just face it, I deserve this, Mani. And I don't deserve any of my life. I'd rather-"

"Don't you finish that, Lauren," Normani bellowed. "I mean, tell her you were Louis from the start, it'll at least solve that you were fucking yourself."

"I can't, I can't talk to her. I can't tell her. She already hates me," I feel myself starting to tear up. "And don't you go thinking that gives you the right to tell her."

"Then Dinah will," Normani hesitated. "Or Ally."

"Ally?" I quickly wiped my eyes and glared at Normani. "Don't tell me fucking told her too."