My Silver Lining

Ready to Risk

JEMA'S POV

"J-jema. I-I'm sorry. I'm so so so sorry"

She kissed me. She just freakin' kissed me and I just couldn't wrap my head around what just happened. I'm in complete shock.

"Sshhh don't worry about it" yan lang ang tanging lumabas sa bibig ko.

Now my head is teeming with endless possibilities. Could it be? Am I reading the signals right? Does this amazing girl really like me? And if so, handa na ba kaya akong isugal ulit yung puso ko?

I definitely haven't forgotten what happened the last time I fell in love. It broke me. It left a gaping hole in my heart and it took me a very long time to piece myself back together.

Could she be worth risking it all again? Kaya ko na kayang ibigay ulit yung puso ko knowing full well that at any moment she might decide to break it?

No. I can't. I've worked so hard on building these walls and I have a very good reason to keep them there. Di ko na kakayanin pa kung mangyari ulit yon sakin. Baka tuluyan na akong masiraan ng bait. I taste bile in my mouth just remembering everything that I went through.

I've definitely been to hell and back.

I'm sorry Deanna. I can't risk it. I owe it to myself na protektahan ang puso ko. It's still trying to heal completely and I don't think it can take another blow.

Nakakaantok yung hangin paired with the sound of the waves crashing kaya napahikab ako.

Na notice naman ni Deanna kaya napagpasyahan na naming umuwi.

Tahimik lang ako habang pabalik kami ng gym kung saan naka park yung sasakyan ko.

Nagmadali naman akong bumaba kaya di nya na ako napagbuksan ng pinto.

"Thanks for tonight. I'll get going na. It's getting late" mabilis kong sabi.

Di ako makatingin sa kanya. I'm afraid na kapag ginawa ko yon, I will lose every ounce of self control at baka mahalikan ko din sya.

"Okay. Ingat ka ha and please let me know once naka uwi kana" sabi ni Deanna.

Maingat yung pagsasalita nya na para bang natatakot itong may masabi syang mali.

"Will do. Ikaw din" sabi ko at pumasok na nga ng sasakyan.

Haba nag d-drive pauwi ay hindi naman mawala sa isipan ko kung tama ba yung naging desisyon ko na pigilan na agad kung ano man yung namumuo sa pagitan namin ni Deanna pago pa man ito tuluyang lumago.

Hanggag kailan ko ba ikukulong yung puso ko? At kaya ko pa kayang pigilan ang sarili ko sa susunod na may mangyaring ganon sa amin Deanna?

Kahit anong pagtatanggi ang gawin ko, I know I can't lie to myself. The answer is most definitely "NO". Alam kong hindi ko na mapipigilan if we ever found ourselves in the same situation again.

Pagdating ko ng condo, kinuha ko yung phone ko para i-text sya.

Messenger: Deanna Wong sent a photo.

Huh? Ano kaya to?

When I opened it, napamangha ako. Ang ganda ng pagkakakuha.

It's me na nakatalikod. Kaharap ko ang dagat while the moon shined brightly above me. My hair looked like there were strands of silver.

When I look at the photo. I don't see that poor broken girl anymore. She's standing strong and proud. Wala nang bahid ng mapait na nakaraan. That's the exact moment that I realized how strong I've become.

I might always carry the scars of my past but alam kong kakayanin ko na kung ano man ang susunod na pagsubok sa buhay ko.

It only took for me to see myself through somebody else's eyes para ma realize ko yon.

Through Deanna's eyes.

How can I not give this a chance now? I have to. I simply have to. Mag iingat pa din naman ako.

"Basta self, kung parang may mali, atras kaagad okay? Tread lightly. Wag muna padalos dalos. Hayaan mo munang makilala sya ng mabuti" I thought to myself.

Nag text na din ako sa kanya.

Me: "Hey. I'm home na. Thanks for yet another awesome night"

I posted the photo on my IG na rin. With the caption: "Start opening your doors to new possibilities"

"And does that so called 'new possibility' happen to be named Deanna Wong? Hahaha" bwesit din tong isip ko minsan eh noh.

Maya maya pa...

Deanna ❤️: "I got home na din po. Thanks for giving me your time again. Goodnight Jema."

Wala na syang sinabi about sa kiss. Baka inakala nya na galit ako sa kanya. Di bale. Babawi nalang ako next time.

Me: "Goodnight Deanna ❤️"

The next morning...

IG: @deannawongst liked your post

Messages:
Deanna ❤️: "Good morning Queen. Don't skip your breakfast. Hope you can finally catch up on some much needed rest today"

Me: "Good morning din. Thanks, I'm planning on staying in today just to relax. Breakfast ka na din po"

Buong araw kaming magka text ni Deanna. Parang hindi ata kami na uubusan ng topic. I can feel her effort naman to keep our conversation going.

Parang ang gaan ng loob ko sa kanya. Para bang ang tagal na namin magkakilala.

Naging routine na namin ang pag uupdate sa isa't isa. Simula pag gising namin, kung san kami pupunta, kung ano ang kinakain namin at kung matutulog na.

She became my early morning texts and my late night conversations.

Almost one month na. Ilang beses na din kaming nagkita. Minsan bumabalik kami sa Cozy Cabin, minsan naman picnic sa may boulevard pero kadalasan ay kumain kami ng Ramen na favorite nya at chicken wings na favorite ko naman hahaha

Hindi na din namin napag usapan ang about sa kiss.

Sweet pa rin naman si Deanna but this time may halong pag iingat na ang bawat galaw nya. Sobrang na appreciate ko naman kasi na notice kong nakikiramdam talaga sya if comfortable ako sa mga ginagawa nya or hindi.

Sa bawat ngiti nya, bawat dampi ng mga kamay namin at bawat bagay na malalaman ko about sa kanya ay unti unti namang nahuhulog yung loob ko.

Deanna Wong, I think I'm falling for you.