You Were Worth The Wait | Jelix

Chapter 12 - I love you, and I don't want to

All day I had waited and waited. I stared at the phone, everywhere I went I had it in my hand, I even had Mark's contact open incase I missed the call and had to call him back straight away. But not once did his name flash up on the screen.

It was nearly 1 am and it was getting very unlikely that he would call. He was probably already asleep. I was on the verge, and Felix had been sleeping for about 2 hours now. I was sat up in the bed, and he was lying down on me, his head in my lap. I ran my hands through his hair as I stared at my phone, waiting for something off Mark.

It got to 1 am and I gave up. There was no way he would call now. He had all day to call, and he didn't. I carefully lifted Felix's head out of my lap so I could lie down and get to sleep. I had only had my eyes closed for 5 minutes when my phone began to vibrate on my bedside table.

I leaped out of the bed as quietly as I could and grabbed the phone, hurrying downstairs so I could answer it and talk to Mark without disturbing my boyfriend. I reached the living room and sat on the sofa, swiping right and putting the phone to my ear.

"Hey Mark..." I greeted him breathlessly after running down the stairs.

"Hey Jack." He didn't seem very happy. He sounded upset. Even a little bit mad. I was starting to think I had done something bad.

"What took you so long? I thought you would call during the day."

"I was scared. I told you it would take a lot to build up the courage to tell you this." I did forget about him telling me that.

"Well, what is it you wanna tell me? I'm all ears." He took a deep breath. I was honestly a little scared for what he was about to tell me. I was sure it was nothing that could effect our friendship though.

"I don't want you to hate me once I tell you this. If I lost you, it'd kill me. I wouldn't be able to cope with not being friends with you anymore. So, what it is...lately I've had a lot on my mind. I've been thinking certain things and feeling certain ways. And despite how wrong and utterly ridiculous it is, I've realised that the feelings I've had, are...for you."

When I heard those words come out of my phone, my heart sank. Nothing could have ever prepared me for that. Mark liked me. He was into me. When I was into Felix. He started to speak again.

"I like you a lot. I really wish I didn't, because I know it's never gonna happen. And this is going to sound evil, but, I wish you weren't with Felix. Maybe then we would have a chance. I know you and Felix are going to last. You just will, I feel it in my gut that you will. And it kills me that what you and Felix have, I will never have with you. I have tried my hardest these past few months to be happy for you two, but I just can't. It won't happen. I'm jealous, insanely jealous. I wanna be with you so badly. I wanna do the things you do with Felix. I wanna hold your hand, I wanna play with your hair, I wanna cuddle with you at night and tell you how much I love you, I wanna kiss you and have a life with you but I can't! It's so fucking dumb that I feel this way. And I'm so fucking sorry that I'm in love with you."

I didn't know what to do or say. I didn't know how to sugarcoat the fact that I didn't feel that way about him, and I most likely never would. I felt guilty. I felt so guilty. I know I shouldn't have, but I did. That was the way I felt about Felix before we got together. Now I knew what it was like to be on the recieving end. Except with me and Felix, we actually ended up together. That wouldn't happen with me and Mark.

"Mark...I'm sorry. I really am sorry. But I think you already know what I'm going to say, don't you?" I heard him sigh, feeling horrible even though I hadn't really said anything.

"Yeah, I know. So please don't bother telling me. I can't stand to hear you say it. Just please give me a little bit of happiness and say you still wanna be friends with me." I didn't say anything. I was too shocked to even move my lips.

"Jack. Please say it." He sounded like he was crying. I couldn't stand him being upset. He was my best friend at the end of the day.

"Of course I still wanna be friends with you Mark...it's wether Felix does." He didn't seem all too bothered when I said that.

"I don't wanna lose Felix, but I'd rather lose him than you."

"I don't mean it like that...I mean...he probably won't want me to be friends with you anymore." He was silent. Without him even doing or saying anything, I knew he was mad at me for saying that.

"Wait...you're gonna tell him aren't you? You can't tell him Jack, you can't tell him. Don't fucking do it."

"I'm sorry Mark but I had to. He told me when Marzia confessed to him so I have to be loyal and do the same. He'd get mad at me if he found out I kept it a secret. I'm really sorry. But I can't lie to him about this."

"Then I'll do his job for him. Jack, I don't wanna be friends with you anymore." Hearing those words come out of his mouth tore my heart apart. He had never said that to me, ever. When he said it that time, it really sounded like he meant it.

"Mark, wait-" I couldn't finish my sentence because Mark hung up on me. I threw my phone across the room in frustration. I was a little angry at Mark: but I was even more mad at myself. I gripped onto my hair tightly with my fingers, pulling on it and tearing some out.

"I'm such a fucking idiot!" I said, pretty much shouting. I had completely forgotten that Felix was asleep. Then I remembered when I heard a voice of a man who sounded like he had just been woken up.

"Babe? Are you ok?" I turned around and looked at him, not even knowing what to say. One thought was in my mind:

How the fuck do I tell him?