From London to Rome

Chapter 33

When Luca calls me later that day, he had no idea about any pictures being online. He doesn't see a problem with the pictures; it was just a meeting and someone just happened to snap some shots. Abby convinces me to meet with Luca to talk about it. We go to a park near my apartment and Luca tells me about the meeting. It sounds quite innocent but it doesn't take away how I felt when I saw those pictures. I try to explain how insecure I got, how I started doubting everything about myself. Luca seems to be listening but he still doesn't get the point I try to make.

We talk for almost half an hour but we got nowhere. I still feel insecure; I still feel not worthy enough. Everything together is just too much. The stress from the exams, how weird Luca acted when his dad showed up, how he didn't want me to meet his mum. And now the gorgeous model. I just can't take it anymore.

Abby and I end up in my bed, eating tons of ice cream and watching the best movies ever made. In other words, we watch Legally Blond, Mean Girls and Clueless until we can't take it anymore. It really helps to talk to someone. Abby knows about my past, so she also knows the feelings I struggle with right now. She tries to make me feel better, but nothing seems to do the job. Luca and I were supposed to have a nice weekend together, but I doubt I will see him any time soon. He was so ignorant of how I feel, completely different from how I know him. He is kind and caring, bringing me ice cream when I get my period and making sure I get home safe in the evenings. At least, I thought he was like that. Now I don't know anymore. I hate that I feel this uncertain and insecure. After being bullied for so many years, I promised myself that I wouldn't be that vulnerable again. I let Luca break my walls down without hesitation. I let him into my life and now I feel like shit. I still can't believe that an amazing guy like Luca could respond so insensitive.

I hate that I am ruining Abby's weekend. She was looking forward to having a nice weekend in London and now she's stuck here with me whining about Luca. But like the amazing best friend she is she doesn't complain even once. She just eats ice cream with me until we both get a stomach ache.

It's Sunday morning and I'm starting to feel better. My fight with Luca sucks and I already miss talking to him, even if it's only been a day since we last talked. Abby managed to make me look decent so we decide to head into the city. Luckily there is plenty to do in the city on a Sunday. There are a few markets and parks Abby wants to visit and I take her to the diner Luca took me to when I met his friends for the first time. Everything about the city reminds me of Luca, but since I live here, I can't exactly avoid it. I know we have to talk about it eventually, but I'm too hurt to make the first move. I trusted him with everything I have and he broke my trust, it's up to him to contact me.

Abby asks whether I want to go out tonight to take my mind off Luca, but I suggest we stay in instead. Going out is a bridge too far right now. We end up watching more movies while eating even more ice cream. We're both scrolling through our social media accounts, which may not be the best idea since Luca's face shows up everywhere. Just like two days ago, I know I should stop looking at the pictures and reading the stories, but I see so many crap stories about Luca that I just need to read on. I can't believe how many lies are written online.

Some claim that Luca and Sydney have been dating for a while already, but I know for a fact that it isn't true. Luca said he only met her on Friday and I believe him. A few other stories suggest that Sydney is the girl that was seen in Miles' Instagram stories. I don't know how people link this because the picture clearly showed my blonde hair and Sydney has black hair. People really are hungry for gossip about their favourite celebs if they take their stories that far.

Abby and I are both too invested in the stories and neither of us is paying any attention to the movie. The credits are already playing and I know I haven't seen a minute of the movie. I keep on trying to understand how Luca could act the way he did, but even after hours of thinking, I come up with nothing.

At this point, I just want to forget about everything and just be with Luca. Just the two of us again, forgetting everything and everyone else exists. But I know that it isn't that easy. We will have to talk about it. And honestly, if Luca keeps on being so insensitive I don't know if we should continue this thing we have going on. I know I come with plenty of baggage, I have tons of insecurities. I've been trying to become more confident but it feels like every time I get closer to the top, the mountain just gets a mile higher. I have been seeing a therapist once a month ever since I moved to London but that won't help if I let other people affect me this much. No matter how much I care about Luca and how much I love spending time with him, I have to put myself first. I just hope it doesn't have to come that far.