a feeling came over me that i've never in my life felt before. being drunk didn't help it either.
as tears started to roll down my face i glanced at the floor and burried my face in my hands for the second time that night. as my crying got worse i felt my legs begin to weaken. i collapsed onto the floor. bumping the bar stool as i did so. billie stood up and sat next to me on the floor and as i rocked back and forth struggling to breath or think she wrapped her arms around me and placed her chin on my head.
the bump of the bar stool was loud enough for dani to hear. resulting in her rushing over. she looked at billie.
"what the fuck happened?" she said.
i could feel my heart crush. i felt the pain in my chest turn into anger. anger that i'd never felt before. i couldn't build up the strength to ask if he was still alive but i'm pretty sure i knew the answer. as i placed a hand flat on the floor i crawled over to the fridge to pin myself against it. making it easier for me to stand up.
but before i could do so everyone rushed over to me now that i was in sight. i knew i was about to pass out so i closed my eyes and wished that it was all a dream.
"please be a dream. please be a dream. please be a dream"
i could hear finneases voice as it muffled into the sound of the loud music.
"Y/N?" he said "billie. what happened?"
my mind faded into the darkness and i collapsed onto the floor.
—————————————
i watched as billies blury hand waved in front of my face.
as everything came into focus i noticed i was on the floor. right where i remember drifting off. as one more tear rolled down my face i looked up and saw stacey.
as she moved closer to my face i noticed she had been crying. i couldn't see dani or fin. only billie and stace.
"Y/N. i'm so so sorry" stacey said as she nuzzled her face into my shoulder after i sat up. with the help of billie. "this isn't fair"
i, for the second time wished that this was all. dream.
"how long was i out for?" i sniffed
"five or so minutes. why?" stacey said sniffling aswell
i moaned and looked up at billie. she hadn't been crying. she just looked... numb.
i scratched my lip with my teeth and started to break down. once again. billie lifted me up from underneath my armpits and put one arm around my shoulder and another around stacey's.
as the helped me up my stairs i asked where we where going.
"taking you to bed" stacey said "you need to rest"
everything felt kind of iffy and i couldn't really pull apart reality and my imagination. none of which where good.
billie pulled up the covers and lied me down in the bed. she pulled them back over and i realised that i still had my shoes on.
i began to cry even harder.
"take her shoes off billie" stacey said "she hates dirty sheets"
billie ripped the blankets off and took off my shoes. after she did so she sat next to me on the bed and placed her hand on my shoulder. she spoke two words.
"i'm sorry"
i looked over at the door and stacey was gone. as i started to close my eyes. i felt billies hand move away and the weight at my legs elevate as she got off the bed. she walked out the door. not looking back. i closed my eyes and drifted away.
———————————
*beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep*
i opened my eyes, but didn't bother to move. i listened to the beeping of my phone until eventually i got sick of it so i grabbed it and turned it off.
i pulled the sheets off and sat up to open my phone.
as i did so i thought back to last night. what was i even thinking? why.
i still couldn't grasp what to say so i didn't speak a word. my head throbbed as i punched the digits into my phone to unlock it. i opened snapchat first but relaxed my arms so they fell into my lap. i needed to gether myself to even do that.
i slid to the right and opened billies snapchat story.
it was a video. of billie crying.
i put my phone down and rolled over. i thought of everything that was going on. but as soon as i did i felt the way i felt last night. broken. empty. regretfull. horrible. why did my birthday have to be then? maybe if i had of been born on any other day he would still be alive. i opened my messages and found his contact.
Y/N: jahseh.
Y/N: i know that you're not going to answer me.
Y/N: but i'm sorry.
as i sent that last text. i pulled out my phone charger and plugged in my phone. i got back out of bed and walked into the bathroom.
as i turned on the faucet i listened to the dripping of the water and all the thoughts that where running through my head.
what if he was on his way to my party and he was shot.
what if this is my fault.
what if he killed himself.
what if it was my fault that he killed himself.
what if the unknown phone number that's been texting me killed jah because i wouldn't stay away from billie.
what if this is punnishment.
what if this is all my fucking fault.
i took off my clothes and chucked them into the basket in the corner. i hopped into the shower and as the water hit my skin i realised that i needed to talk to billie about this. i just don't know how
what if she's mad at me.
what if she thinks this is all my own fault.
what if she never wants to talk to me ever again.
thoughts ran in and out of my head. none good. all bad.
thats it? he's dead.
