His secrets

Chapter 32 (Rewritten)

Days passed and life didn't stop. I believe that the whole notion of you can't live without someone is wrong. I experienced it and so far I was living. Its not about you can't live without that particular person but its that you don't desire to. It goes away with time too. Life is just like that it never stop. If we lose someone we find someone else to lean on just like I did. I leaned on the life inside me. It made me feel strong and more confident about my decision.

Its been three weeks since I started living on my own again. It felt lonely and I never felt lonely in my apartment before. I was now officialy five weeks pregnant. So far Hudayfah had given me space that I asked for unless you ignore the two man that keep following me. I kind of figured it out sooner. The two man were always dressed casually trying to blend in and took shifts. He was very discreet but I suspected Hudayfah to have someone on me 24/7 so its was expected and secondly I was more alert after first time. It was a bit difficult for me to go to hospital as I didn't want Hudayfah to suspect as long as I can. I somehow slipped past them on my hospital visits. The doctor gave me some iron tablets and she told me that the baby was healthy and I would be able to hear the heartbeat at eighth week.

My nausea was still ever present with my nipples a bit protruding and my breast aching. I was good all in all. I didn't know if I had any mood swing because mostly I was in my own company. I thankfully had a separate account which consist of money that I earned. I used that these days. I asked Hudhayfah for separate accounts because I wanted to use money that I earned when I bought something for him. I did talk to Aunt Sara and Arish few times. To them it was a normal quarrel between husband and wife. She advised me to go back and I understood that she just wanted us to be happy. I didn't tell her about pregnancy because the lesser knew the longer I could hide.

I was going insane here all alone so I thought I should go back to work. I could ask Zakariya to just let me do anything in office. I didn't expect to have same position as before and honestly I didn't even want it.

With that in my mind I dressed myself. I wasn't showing yet and I guess it would happen somewhere in second trimester. I got in the company easily. People greeted me only my way. No one stopped me as I entered in. As I entered in I saw Zakariya was praying. He was standing before praying rug.

I just sat there and watched him. I noticed that in raku that his eyes were focused on rug not at place of sujjod and also in tashahod also his eyes were focused on rug. I didn't interrupt him and let him pray. After he said salam. He noticed me sitting there.

I stood up from my place and walked toward him. "You kind of did a mistake there."

He stood up straight and asked me with a small smile playing on his lips. "And what's that?"

"In raku your eyes should be on on place of sujood and in tashahod, they should be on finger you are raising." I told him.

"Thank you." He said sincerely. " I guess I got it wrong."

"Its alright." I waved my hand. "I used to have a problem with my eyes focus for months after I started praying till someone corrected me."

"You should better get back to it. I will wait there." I said as I took my previous place.

After he made his dua. He took his cap off and sat there across me on sofa. "What brought you here?" He asked as rubbed the beard on his face. It wasn't long but It did cover his jaw completely.

"I was going insane all alone in my apartment without anyone to talk to." I told him honestly.

He looked at me with soft eyes as he observed me. He started to order a latte when I stopped him by saying. "A cinnamon tea would suffice."

"A change of taste?" He asked in questioning manner with surprised tone. I had stopped drinking coffee after knowing about my pregnancy.

"More like adapting for circumstances." I answered him.

He gave me a look as he repeated. "Adapting."

"How is he?" The question flew out of my mouth in a whisper.

"How do you think?" He questioned back and then someone entered with tea. I took a sip unable to answer the question.

I looked back at him placing the cup back on table. "Can I work here?" I asked him before clearing my voice of any sadness.

"Yor are always welcome here." He answered back softly.

"I do not expect to work on same position as before. I would be okay with assisting someone in a case or organising data." I told him.

"Why not? Its empty same as your office." He asked.

"I don't know exactly the period of time I could work. I just want to keep my mind on something and........" I stopped.

"Distract yourself." He finished the sentence for me.

"Yes. You know the old saying an Idle mind is the devil's workshop." I said.

"You know, Don't you?" I wanted to confirm that he knew about Hudayfah's work.

He looked at me and remained silent. It was an answer itself.

"What are you going to do?" He asked.

"I don't know." I whispered. " I never actually expected it or I didn't want to maybe." I said as I looked in space.

"Thank you for being there for me always. You even helped me in my very first cases giving me tips. I will be always grateful." I spoke the words with true gratitude.

"You don't need to. I did it for my own selfish reasons." He started into my eyes and I couldn't look away for a second but eventually I did.

I was just gonna stand up when he asked suddenly. "Did you regret it?"

At first I couldn't grasp the question but then I did and the word "No" automatically left my lips.

"Do you still love him?" He countered another question rapidly without giving me a chance to think. A look on his face and eyes that I recognised in my eyes but for another man.

"Yes. It isn't a switch that I can just turn on when I want and turn it off when I don't. I am still very much in love with him." The words slipped through my mouth with a flow.

I stood up this time as this conversation felt like it needed to end. We were both going on a dangerous territory that I knew that we didn't need to venture.

I was just at the door with my hand on handle when his voice reached my ear. "Would you? If you could turn it off."

I stood right there for a minute as the clock ticked with my back to his face as my hand tightened on the handle. I turned around to look at him as I asked him the same question."Would you?"

It was a first time I truly recognised his love for me. I want to see emotions play on his face as he answered the question so I kept my eyes on his not straying them anywhere even for a second.

I didn't even blink till his voice reached my ear. "No."

It came out hard and vulnerable at same time. A far away look on his face. It was devastating and he let me see it all. I didn't need to say anything more so I just pushed open the door.