The Devil's Dance

36

Katia

All things in life are uncertain except death. This is what I know. I'm not sure if I'll ever get over losing my mother who is still alive. I can't guarantee I'll ever feel whole. There's no promise that I'll beat this eating disorder or if it'll beat me. Maybe I'll be a world renowned dancer. Maybe I'll give it all up to work in an office Monday through Friday. I don't know. No one knows and honestly that's the most frightening thing about it.
I told Chris I was on my way but that was at least two hours ago. Possibly more. I've stopped at a bus stop just to sit on the bench. I'm not even sure where I am anymore. She's probably panicked. Olivia has probably tried to call me a million times. My phone is dead and... I'm okay with that. I thought I was ready to talk to Chris about my fucked up family but I can't. How do I look at someone who I want to love me and tell her that my own mother didn't even want me? How do I expect anyone else to really want me and the mess that I am? Evelyn says I'm not a mess. She says that I'm worthy and deserving of love but I don't feel like I am. I don't feel like anything.
A young gay couple sits beside me giggling and making out. They reek of alcohol. I make a face and scoot away from them.
"Fucking homophobes." One of them mutters and they start giggling again.
I start to say something but there's no point. I just get up and start walking.
"Byyeeeee!" One of the guys say mockingly.
I turn around frustrated. "I am not homophobic." I yell. "I like girls! I have a girlfriend!" I bark. Their mouths are stuck open.
People around me are starting to stare. I don't care.
"Sorry." One of them says. Then they start laughing again.
A hand grabs my shoulder. I turn to see Elizabeth. She looks so confused.
"Kat? What are you doing?" She asks.
I wrap my arms around her. It probably catches her off guard. There's a brief pause before she returns the gesture. She strokes my hair.
"Sweetie are you okay?" She asks.
I shake my head against her shoulder. She pulls me back to get a good look at me. "Let's get you out of the sun."
"Okay." I say.
I follow her to her car and get in. She starts it up and turns the air conditioner on. It does feel really nice. I didn't realize how hot I was. We sit in the parked car in silence for a while.
"Did you know those boys?" Liz finally asks.
"No."
"You just fancy yelling at strangers then?" She asks.
I erupt into a fit of laughter. Then it starts. I begin crying again. I turn away from her.
She rubs my back whileI wipe my face. "I'm so sorry." I mutter.
She chuckles. "I can deal with a few tears." She hands me a small pack of tissues. "Hold on to those. Where were you headed?" She asks.
"Christine's." I answer.
"You were planning on walking?" She asks confused. "That's at least ten miles."
I shrug. "I don't know where I am. I'm actually really glad I ran into you."
"Well me too honey." She says sweetly.
Liz puts the car in drive and we ride to Christine's in silence. I'm actually kind of nervous to walk inside. She's going to be so mad. Maybe Liz can tell I'm stalling.
"I'll walk you in." She offers.
"Thanks."
I'm not sure what I think Chris would do to me but I'm scared. She would never lay a hand on me, I know. I'm actually more afraid of what she may say. Liz and I are in the house and Mistress is coming down the stairs. She only glances up from her phone for a second.
"Liz? Hey I thought you were-" she stops speaking when she notices me behind Elizabeth. "Katia! Where have you been??!" Her voice escalates to a tone I'm positive I've never heard before.
I freeze in the spot I'm standing.
"Chris." Liz says calmly.
Mistress has to tear her gaze away from me. "What?" Her voice is cold.
"Can I speak to you alone for a moment?" Elizabeth asks.
Mistress nods reluctantly and they go into the kitchen to speak. I sit at the bottom of the steps. She's mad. I knew she would be. She has every right to be. I've caused her to stress and worry. Her life would probably be a lot easier without me. Mistress comes back with Liz. She seems a little calmer.
"Kat I'll see you later. Take care of yourself hun."
I nod. "Thanks for the ride Liz."
She smiles. "Of course."
Christine walks Liz to the door and sees her out. She comes back and stands there silently. I can't look at her.
"I was scared, Katia." Her voice is low. Shakey kind of.
"I'm sorry." I mumble.
"I get it. I understand wanting to be alone but you can't just disappear. Olivia didn't know where you were. I didn't know. Do you know how that feels? Not knowing if you're dead or alive? Anything could have happened to you." Her voice cracks and she puts her hands over her face.
Is she crying? This may sound stupid, but I never imagined her crying. She's always so dignified and strong.
Then it hits me. How could I be so stupid? Her parents. They left and she never saw them again, not alive anyway. That's probably one of her deepest fears, something terrible happening to the people she loves. I stand and wrap my arms around her.
"Baby. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to worry you." I say.
She cups my head with her hands and sighs. "Where were you?" She asks.
I let go of her and shrug. "I'm not sure. I left Evelyn's and just started walking. I ended up on a bus stop bench."
"Why didn't you just call me babe? I would have come to get you."
"My phone died and I just... I don't know."
She grabs my hand and leads me to the couch in the sitting area. We sit close to each other and she holds my hand.
"Do you think you could tell Liv I'm okay?" I ask.
"I already did." She says.
"Oh." I fiddle with the end of my shirt. "So you're probably wondering what I wanted to talk to you about." I say.
"Are you breaking up with me?" She asks abruptly.
"What? No! ... Why? Do you want to break up?" I ask.
She shakes her head no. "Not at all." She assures me.
"Okay." I nod. "I've been weird lately because of my sessions with Evelyn. We've been talking about my family. It's not easy. You know I only ever talk about my dad."
She nods as she listens attentively.
"Obviously he didn't make me by himself. I have a mother and a brother."
"Oh!" She says surprised by my confession.
I continue telling her my sob story about how my mother only wanted my brother, the kidnapping, and how my brother hated me for running off my mother. I tell her about my brother's poor behavior and getting sent away.
"And you don't know where either of them are now?" She asks.
I shake my head. "No."
"Does your dad?"
"No. Well honestly I... don't know." I answer slightly embarrassed.
Call me crazy but I never thought to ask. We don't talk about them. Whenever I used to bring either of them up he would become stoic. So I just stopped. They became ghost, just lost parts of history.
"Call him. Ask." Mistress says matter of factly.
I-I can't." I stammer.
"Why not?"
"Wouldn't it seem like a slap in the face?" I ask. "My father has done his best to make sure I never wanted or needed anything. The last thing I want is to make him think he failed me somehow or that I'm missing something."
"But you are." Her tone isn't harsh or judgemental. It's more sympathetic than anything.
"You really think I should ask?" I wonder aloud.
"Yes."
I guess the worst thing he could say is he doesn't know where they are either. No, the worst thing is him saying they're dead. He wouldn't do that. My dad wouldn't keep something like the death of my mother or brother away from me.
"I'll do ittomorrow." I say. "I don't have it in me to call today."
"That's fine babe."
I look at Mistress. Really look at her for the first time since I have been here. Her white blouse is unbuttoned right to the tip of her cleavage. Her usually tamed hair is free and falling down her shoulders and back. She looks so good and my mind could use a distraction. I scoot closer to her and begin to unbutton her shirt.
She grabs my hand gently. "What are you doing?"
"Please?" I ask quietly.
"Are you sure you don't want to just talk about it? You had a really long day and-"
"Chris!" I exclaim. I take a deep breath. "Baby. You are my extremely sexy girlfriend that I have not seen all day. I don't want to talk."
She contemplates turning me away or giving into me for a moment.
"Baby." I say.
"What do you want?" She asks.
"You." I start unbuttoning her shirt again. She pulls at my shirt but I move her hands.
"I just want to please you." I say as I get on my knees. I slide off her pants and underwear and take her into my mouth. I grab her thighs and pull her to the edge of the couch. This is the first time today my mind has been at ease. Her moans are as soothing as waves against the shore. As her fingers run through my hair I can feel the tension leaving my body. Her body tenses and mine relaxes. I've found my gateway to peace between her legs.