imagines | shawn mendes

love you better now

~
calm down. breath.

those words repeated themselves in your mind over and over again. your heart beating so fast, sweat almost dripping off your forehead.
you knew he was here, behind that door, unaware of the effect he still had on you.

"fuck it" you said and opened your front door with one motion, plastering a calm look on your face.

"y/n-"

"what the hell do you want, shawn?" you hissed, the fake calm vision of your face gone, replaced with an anger look.

"can i please come in?" he breathed, when you made no effort of moving out the way for him to come in he spoke again, "please y/n, i beg you. let me in, give me ten minutes."

you blankly stared at him, the bags under his eyes didn't go unnoticed by you. he looked exhausted, he looked sick and still, he looked as beautiful as the day you met him. he still looked like the man you fell in love with a year ago.

you slowly nodded, stepping aside and closed the door after he stepped in your new apartment.

"it looks pretty.." he said, looking around the small but very home-ish apartment of yours. you wanted to thank him but he mumbled something that made you shut your mouth again. "you look pretty."

"you have nine minutes left." you kept a straight face, crossing your arms in front of your chest.

he nodded, clearing his voice before he sat down on your couch, telling you to do the same. you did and sat down at the opposite side of your sofa.

"y/n i- i'm sorry" he almost whispered, playing with his ring.

"i've heard that often enough, shawn. if that's why you came you can go." you were afraid that your voice would break, so you spoke very quietly.

"no!" he immediately said. "i still have almost eight minutes. i know i apologized a lot of times but i never did it the way i should've. you deserve more than just a simple apology.. y/n i came here to tell you that i wake up everyday and the first thought that's coming to my mind is you. you are everything i think of every damn second. and when i think of you, i feel nothing but utterly love and regret for you. i regret all my mistakes i did back then, i regret not listening to you when i know it would've been the right thing to do. i regret that i chose so many things over our relationship but most importantly over you." he sniffled, looking at you with his god damn eyes.

even if you'd wanted, you couldn't get any word out of your mouth so he continued to speak.

"you still mean everything to me, please believe me that. i love you y/n. i love you so much baby, it's tearing me apart knowing that you aren't mine anymore. i miss you and even though i know that you're better off without me, i want you back. all of you, all your habits i used to make fun of, heck i even miss your huge collection of comics that used to freak me out because i thought it was childish. i miss you and i never knew i could miss someone as much as i miss you. i know i'm too late, way too late but i would never ever forgive myself if i wouldn't have tried to get you back one last time."

your eyes began to water and your mind was a mess. what were you supposed to say? sure, you still loved him, deep down but, he hurt you. he did what he promised he would never do. he left you behind, too busy in his own world. it felt like he completely forgot about you and yet, you were waiting for him at home, trying to pull your relationship - or mostly what's been left - together.

"you really hurt me-"

"i know-"

"let me continue," he nodded. "you really fucking hurt me, shawn. a-and i don't know if can forgive you that yet, even if i do, i could never forget the things you pushed me through without even caring to look back at the mess you left me with. you just left me! just like that," you snapped your fingers. "you were just gone, again in another country without saying goodbye or anything. you didn't seem to care about me."

you were now crying, lips trembling and voice so shaky. you couldn't dare to look up at him, but when you did, your heart broke even further. shawn's cheeks were flashed pink while a few tears escaped his beautiful eyes. his features were so soft and he scooted a tiny bit closer, just to be near.

"i know, i'm so sorry-"

"you said that! a million times! but what are you sorry for? are you sorry for leaving me? for acting like i didn't exist when you were on tour? for treating me like shit when you came back? for blaming everything that went wrong on me? you even blamed our failed relationship on me! when all this time, i was the one who tried to stick it all together again. i worked so hard for us, i almost broke. you were the one who threw us away like it was nothing. so, shawn, what are you sorry for? because i am not. i am not sorry that you fell out of love with me, because i didn't do anything but tried to be the best girlfriend for you."

"i never fell out of love with you. never. when i'm saying that i'm sorry for everything i did, i truly mean that. with all i have, i am sorry and i love you and i want you back-"

"i'm not that naive girl that will follow you around the globe when you want it anymore. i'm not an object you can claim-"

"i know that! you've changed. but please y/n, believe me when i say i have too. i'm not the selfish dick i was four months ago. i know what matters, now. many things matter but one of the most important ones is you. i know i took way too long to realize that, and i hate myself for that. let me fix this, fix us. please."

he reached forward to first cup your cheek and then took your hand in his. a gesture that should've been normal, especially since you've been dating for quite some time and yet it sent thousands of butterflies to your tummy. you looked down at your intertwined hands and felt so much towards this man, it was hard to decide which feeling was the strongest.

but then it clicked,
trust.

you felt overload with trust to shawn. even though he broke it many times and you probably were a fool, you just knew you had to trust him again. because you wanted nothing more than to be his girl again.

you looked up, meeting his gaze. from your body language he seemed to notice that you made a decision but were still on the edge to cancel everything and just left him behind so he spoke up again.

"i-i promise to love you better now, much better. million times better- no, infinity times better. fuck y/n i'll love you so much better-"

you interrupted him by cracking a smile, cupping his face with your palms.

"i know." you whispered. and you truly meant it.