imagines | shawn mendes

losing you, losing us

~

"this is total bullshit, and you know it!" he groaned as he ran his hand through his hair. he was not seated next to you anymore but had jumped up and paced back and forth in the living room.

"how are my feelings and thoughts bullshit? do you even think before you speak?" you clarified. the hurt you felt was clear to hear in your breaking voice.

"how do you come at me with all this now? you had months to do this! you are so selfish, y/n, i cannot believe i actually loved you at one point."

you wanted to scream at him, punch him, kick him out of your apartment but you just stayed silent and nodded. your nightmares became reality and you weren't ready for them.

"fuck, no no, baby that's not what i meant. i love you! i love you so much it's just- it's my temper, you know how it is." he quickly crunched down in front of you as he realized what he'd just said.

you lightly laughed, ignoring the tears which were pouring out of your eyes. "you know what?" he looked at you, "for all these months i actually believed that. that it wasn't my fault and you were just in a bad mood. that soon, it would all be alright and you would say that you love me."

"i do love you-"

"no!" you yelled making him flinch. "no you fucking don't! you fell out of love with me months ago, shawn, and that's the reality. you are too caught up in your career that you stated to treat me like shit before you completely forgot about me. there's no excuse for what you did. you played with my feelings all this time, knowing that i still love you more than anything." you historically sobbed.

"that's not true." he mumbled. "you're just saying what you want to be true so you can feel good about yourself."

you let out a shaky cry. "oh for fucks sake shawn, really? i'm the asshole now? do me a favor and stop blaming everyone else but you!" he stood up and took a sip of his beer.

"if you'd known that i didn't love you anymore, why didn't you just break up? this doesn't makes any sense." he pointed out after minutes of tense silence.

"b-because i didn't want it to be true. i was so fixed on having a future with you that i just- i wanted to make you fall in love with me again." you sniffled as he listened to you. "i didn't want to lose you. ever. but i just can't do this anymore! i can't pretend like i'm not hurt everytime you snap at me. it's killing me, shawn."

he was silent. for the first time in months he actually listened to you and let your words sink in. it was both devastating and facilitating. you made it to a point in your relationship were you finally started listening to one another. but at the same time, both of you knew in which direction this led you.

"i don't wanna lose you either." he softly spoke, tears rolling down his flushed cheeks. "i love you, y/n. i really do. it's just not how you deserve to be loved." he fought back sobs as he sat down on the other side of the couch.

"we lost each other a long time ago, shawn." you told him quietly.

"b-but we can try again, can't we? i promise to love you like you're meant to and to give you more time. please, y/n, i need you." he begged.

"you know, it took you too long to realize what you need. i just realized that what i need is myself. you broke me shawn, this relationship broke me. i need time to heal, to love myself before i can love anybody else again. what i need is myself and a lot of time to think." you spoke, proud of yourself for being so confident. it was hard to resist his request but you knew that it was the best decision you could make for the two of you.

"i-i don't know what to say.." he hid his face in his hands as he cried. "i'm so, so sorry! i never meant to hurt you. i will change, i promise. fuck, i love you y/n. please don't leave me, there's so much more ahead of us."

you laid your hands on top of his, pressing a loving kiss to his wet cheek. "as long as we are both broken, there's no us. we need this, shawn."

"so you are breaking up with me?"

you nodded, "our relationship is long over."

you stood up, grabbed your bag and your coat and left.

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sorry for any mistakesss