She's Broken (He's Okay)

Wish I Never

And if I could, I'd just forget about you. And if I could I'd just delete you from my history. Keep you as a mystery, delete the possibility of there being a you and me.
- Joey Dija

These past few weeks have been hell. I'm so done with everything. Life is just a joke. I'm ready for it to be over. I look over at the nightstand which holds all of my alcohol. I choose the strongest one I see.

After finding out I couldn't have kids, I started finding pleasure in drinking. Sanity stays out all of the time and I don't mind.

He said that this is my fault because I shouldn't have pushed him to beat me. It was my fault. Everything was my fault. I wish he would've just killed me and not my baby. I heard the door open which broke me from my thoughts.

"Yo ass don't do nothin but drink now. Swear I can't stand you no more. Damn alcoholic." I hated him. With everything in me I got up and started attacking him.

I got a few good punches before he threw me into the wall. I fell onto the floor and looked up. His eyes held pure rage and hate for me. Sanity hates me.

It's because I'm not good enough. Who wants a girl that can't have babies? Who wants a girl that has too many scars to count? Who would want me?

He walked back out and slammed the door. I got up and looked in the mirror. I could not recognise this girl. I had bags under my eyes as well as black eyes. My body was covered in bruises. Each mark told a story.

Maybe it was because I didn't cook dinner. Or because I didn't straighten my hair. Or maybe it was the time where I didn't want to have sex with him. Each bruise was a different beating.

Every single bruise that covered my body was for a reason. God was testing me. He wanted me to see my worth and strength. He knew that I needed his guidance and I wasn't ashamed to ask for it. God was my only friend at this point and that was enough for me.

I heard the doorbell ring and that was unusual because no one ever visits. I walked to the door and looked up the peep hole. It was Snoopy. What does he want?  I opened the door.

"Yes?" He looked up and his face looked shocked. He examined my face and pulled me in for a hug. I was extremely tense because the only touch I've had recently was strictly violence. He pulled back and I saw a tear fall from his eye.

"Seana I didn't know. Honestly I didn't. I would've helped you, I'm so sorry lil mama. You don't deserve this, we gon get you outta this. You got my word for real." I looked into his eyes and saw more tears about to spill out.

"Stop crying Snoop. I'm good, I always am. I know deep down Sanity loves me and he'll stop, I just have to wait patiently."

"No, you ain't waiting for shit. Go pack ya shit. Now Seana Ian playing witchu!"

"Snoopy I'm good."

"That's exactly what my mom said. It all started with yelling which turned into grabbing. After that it turned into slapping which led to punching. I'm sure you know what came next. All I'm saying is that I couldn't save my mom so let me at least help you. God told me to come here today and now I see why."

"Needing help is wat got me in this situation Snoop. I don't want help, I just need a Friend to be there for me. I have no one else, Sanity took everything away from me."

"Then we won't call it help. We'll call it guidance and I'll be your Friend. We gonna get you through this Seana. I'm here for you—I mean it lil mama."

"Thank you so much Snoopy. I really appreciate you for that."

"Here take my number and call me Everyday. I mean Everyday. Update me on whatever goes on under this roof. I'll catch you later Lil mama." He stood up and I took in his appearance. He actually looked good. Snoopy looked like a cute little bear you want to cuddle with.

"You look happier Snoop. Like you're glowing. Is it good dick in your life?" He looked over and flared his nostrils.

"Don't fucking play wit me on that gay shit. Ain't no good dick glow. I let go of my girlfriends that were weighing me down. They were stressing me out and shit. Now I'm lonely but I'm happy though."

I was happy for him. Sanity would tell me how his girlfriends would cause him to go into depression. They would belittle him and take advantage of his heart.

He said he wanted two girlfriends because he had extra love to give. People didn't know about his soft side—including me. I thought that he had two girlfriends because he was greedy but he just wanted to spread his love to two different individuals. They were all okay with it, that's all that matters.

"And that's all that matters Snoop. Now you should go before Sanity comes in." He nodded and walked towards the door. He turned around and gave me a hug.

"Don't forget what I said Seana."

"I won't Snoop. I promise." With that he walked to his car and I closed the door smiling. He's trying to help me and I can't help but feel relieved. I feel like I finally have an ally who can be there for me.

I tried calling Niko but he changed his number on me. I wish that I could tell him how much I love him. I guess it's too late.

"Baby?" I flinched. I didn't even hear him come in.

"Hmm?"

"I got you some things. Here take the bags." I took them and looked inside.

"I got you some Victoria's Secret, and some makeup. I bought some foundation for you."

"You know I don't wear that stuff."

"I know but it's for ya black eyes, you might need it next time."

"Next time?"

"Don't question me Sea, it's been a Long ass day. Ion need you bitching." He pulled off his clothes and went to take a shower. I laid down after putting the things in our closet.

I went to sleep thinking about how my life could change. I thought about how Snoopy could help me. I could possibly make it out. I fell asleep thinking about my future without Sanity.

Sweet Dreams.

Heyyyyyy I'm back after awhile I know...but I was busy with school projects and what not...but I'm back now and there will be another update this week...stay tuned babies 💕💕Until next time ✌🏾✌🏾✌🏾