Halcyon (DISCONTINUED)

29

After we get home and lay down, my mind doesn't stop. The aches and bruises throb with painful reminders. Guilt bubbles up inside me.

I had had an orgasm when he raped me. My body had enjoyed it. I had to tell Ridge, even if he didn't want me after. Who would want to be with a mate who climaxed while being raped?

"I came," I whisper into the still darkness of our room. It was nearly midnight and Ridge was spooning me in our bed, his heartbeat slow as he was almost asleep.

Ridge's arms tighten briefly around me. "What?"

Shame burns my face and I scrub at the tears that have escaped. "I came. W-when he was... raping me. I orgasmed."

There was a pregnant pause before Ridge untangles his arms from me and sits up to look down at me. "Halcyon-"

"Please don't be mad," I beg, whimpering, "I-I didn't mean to, okay? Ridge, I didn't mean to. I didn't want to. I'm so sorry! Please believe me..."

Ridge is instantly pulling me into his arms, hauling my tired, shivering,  bruised body into his lap. "Woah, woah, baby," he exclaims, rocking us both, "I'm not mad. Look at me Halcyon. I'm not mad, or-or disappointed, or anything honey." Ridge peppers my tearstained face with kisses. He sounds genuine, but there is so much shame in me. A part of me wanted him to be mad, so this shame and anger I had towards myself would have a purpose.

In the dark, I can see his honey eyes shining. "Sweetie, it isn't your fault-"

"But it is!" I cry, threading my fingers into my hair and tugging. "I fucking had an orgasm while he was fucking me. How - why isn't it my fault? You shouldn't be with me, you shouldn't be with a mate who liked it. I came, and only you are supposed to make me cum, but my body liked it and-"

"No," Ridge barks sternly. I shut my mouth, lips trembling. Fingers stroke my tears off my cheeks as Ridge looks deep into my eyes. "Listen for a second." We both take in a deep breath before my mate continues. "I swear Halcyon, it wasn't your fault. You may think your body liked it, and by thinking that, your can trick yourself into thinking that you liked it. But baby, our bodies are amazing. Someone had forced stimulation and your body reacted how it should. That by no means, no how, says that you liked it." He swallows, stroking my face lovingly. "Sweetheart, you're so damn strong. You're the reason I force myself to do better, to be a better man. Because I want to be about to be as strong as you are Halcyon." I open my mouth and go to speak, but Ridge holds up a hand to silence me. "And don't think you're not strong, because you are. You're so brave baby." My vision swims with new tears, warmth slowly filling my chest. "A lot of rape survivors blame themselves. They think they could've fought better, or they should've worn something different, or think they deserved it in some way or another." Ridge rests his forehead against mine, our noses touching. "And," he continues softly, "many blame themselves because they had had an orgasm. But honey, the only person who is at fault is the rapist. Think of it like this. If Tony was raped and had an orgasm, would you blame him?"

I shake my head no, already knowing where this was going but needing to hear it.

"Exactly," he murmurs, "it wouldn't be his fault. And it's not yours. Okay my love?"

I sniffle and nod. Ridge gives me a slow smile and I lean in to kiss his upturned mouth. "I love you," I tell him, feeling so much affection towards this man that I'm afraid my heart my burst.

"I love you too," he whispers back, nose brushing against mine.

We stay like that for awhile, foreheads touching, arms wrapped around each other. Safe, warm, loved.

When I shuffle in his lap and wince, Ridge frowns. "You're hurting." It's more of a statement than a question, but I nod anyways.

My mate proceeds to lift me up and carry me to the bathroom like I weigh nothing. Which, honestly, I probably don't weigh much anymore, especially after nearly losing all my body fat when I was kidnapped.