[2] ONE || C. LECLERC

SIXTY FIVE

''My dearest Charles.

I miss you; I miss you more than words can ever say and I feel like an idiot for it because I should hate you after everything you did to me. I shouldn't be crying over what happened as I write this, tucked up all alone in my bedroom, with the curtains drawn even though it's midday. I'll probably never give this to you, for whatever reason that may be, but I don't want to think about it. My heart wants you back. My head despises you, but my heart misses yours so terribly. I think it cries for you at night, desperate to feel your warmth and comfort.

I can't get my head around what happened. I don't understand. Am I not good enough for you? I thought I was perfect. You told me that I was perfect. I believed you. Was I wrong to believe you? Tell me. Tell me what I did wrong. Maybe I'm just too full of myself, or maybe I'm gullible, but I love you with all of my heart. I loved you from the very first moment, that beautiful day in Australia, even though I told myself I couldn't trust anyone other than Max. All of my rules changed for you. I met you and everything was flipped upside down, but in the best way, because I thought what we had was real.

I don't blame you for any of this. I understand that maybe I wasn't good enough to be all yours, exclusively. I know that this is my problem. I just wanted us to work, you know? I love you. Everything seems to hurt so much more because I know how much I love you, how my heart beats solely for you and the love you give to me. I don't know what will happen between us, Charles, but I don't want to ever forget you. The memories you have given to me are too precious to let go of.

I love you forever, mijn schatje.

CJ. '

»»——⍟——««

CAMILLE

Charles and I awoke the following morning at the same time. I knew that Charles had barely slept, no matter how hard he tried to lie still instead of tossing and turning. I held him close to my chest, allowing him to listen to my heartbeat, whilst hoping that it would be enough to calm him down. Nothing was working, but the death of one of his best friends was far too raw and painful to get over in a matter of hours. I knew that he would never be the same again. He rolled over and lay on his back, his glossy eyes staring at the ceiling whilst sobs began to fall from his lips. I didn't know what I was supposed to do. I was afraid of comforting him in case it became too much. I knew he needed space, but he also needed love and reassurance, which I would give to him whenever he needed it. I slipped my hand between his and gave it a gentle squeeze, so that he knew I was here for him and that I wasn't leaving.

I forced Charles to shower. To get himself dressed and to eat. He didn't want to, but for his own safety today, he needed to go about his business as normal. Race day was going ahead and that terrified me, but I had to be strong. I couldn't let Charles see that I was afraid because he didn't have it in him to support me right now. No matter how long the thoughts of the same thing happening to him flooded through my mind as I tried to sleep, I couldn't let him see that I was scared.

We headed to the circuit with Andrea. The journey from the hotel was silent, Charles' hand simply slipped between my fingers to use as a form of reassurance. He'd managed to stop crying, but his face was red and his eyes were puffy from all of the tears which had fallen. I knew today wasn't going to be easy for any of us, but the boys had to be strong and we had to be there to support them, to cheer them on, because they were doing exactly what Anthoine would have wanted. On arriving at the circuit, Andrea walked ahead of us, my hand entwined tightly with Charles' as we walked straight past the fans to the paddock gates. I think they were able to understand that Charles wasn't in the mood for stopping and meeting people when he'd barely spoken a word all morning. I tapped my pass against the gates, pushing the turnstile open and gravitating back towards Charles on the other side. Our hands linked together again as we followed Andrea through the paddock and towards the Ferrari garage.