Blood (Levi x Reader)

32. ** Sweet Relief **

The evening transitioned slowly into the night while Levi and I lovingly embraced each other, calmly conversing about things we had never discussed before, as I stroked his hair and he nuzzled against my skin. I found it relatively absurd yet incredibly comforting to know how Levi felt about our fast-approaching life-changes. He had so abruptly shifted his outlook on life after my unexpected confession; even his tone and facial expression had softened. Who would have thought that Levi would find such joy and purpose in becoming a father?

Even though a majority of the time spent in an embrace was Levi hugging my belly, I didn't mind his sweet gesture at all. I adored the feeling of his warm fingertips running up and down my spine as he randomly granted our child soft kisses, planting his lips on my skin just below my navel. Running my fingers through his hair, I couldn't help but smile, cherishing the thought of us as parents, raising a child together... spending our lives together. What was once an utterly unattainable dream was now about to come true.

My eyelids had multiplied in their weight as exhaustion beckoned me to sleep. However, the sudden rustling of sheets startled me awake. Levi had placed one more kiss on my abdomen before moving to rest his head on the pillow next to mine.

"Sorry, did I wake you?"

"No, no," I giggled groggily, "I hadn't actually fallen asleep yet."

Placing his hand on my cheek, Levi leaned in to kiss my forehead as he spoke.

"Well, don't let me stop you from getting the rest you need. I understand now why you've been so tired and dizzy lately. I won't get on your case about that anymore. Obviously, you have quite the legitimate reason for it."

I closed my eyes and sighed, my face emitting a tired smile when I felt Levi pull me in closer. His strong, muscular arms wrapped around my weary body which was working overtime to nurture the new human being within me; a tiny miracle created through a love that grew from tragedy. I pressed my ear to Levi's chest as we held each other close, calmly listening to the soothing rhythm of his heart. Such a joyful song lulled me to sleep as I internally whispered a few words of affirmation to my perfect little family.

While dreams effortlessly filled my mind, Levi clenched his jaw and tightened his grip around my limp body. Unbeknownst to me, he had waited for me to drift off to sleep before allowing his anger to erupt through gritted teeth.

"Tch... this is what you meant when you said to take care of them both... Kenny, you bastard. Admitting to me, with your last fucking breath, that you were family, but never meant to be a father. Well, fuck you, ya worthless piece of shit. You may have saved me from starving to death alone beside my mother's corpse, but you didn't have to walk away like you did... I will never understand why you did what you did, but I guess I should posthumously thank you... for showing me what a father isn't. Because of you, I know what negligences to avoid, I know what words to never say, and most importantly, I know I will never abandon my child."

The growing intensity of Levi's bitterness caused me to stir in my sleep, but he was quick to calmly shush me before I could fully rouse. His worried eyes scanned my face as I winced from a brief nightmare then faded back into a dreamless sleep. With a sigh, Levi caressed my skin and addressed me with a whisper.

"I don't know what kind of lying bullshit he planted in your head, but I wish I could have driven my fist down his throat before he ever opened his filthy mouth. The only reason he saved you from that cave was so he could get out alive. He was always such a selfish bastard... Shit. I am so sorry that everything happened this way. I wish you hadn't been so afraid to tell me, but I am so glad that you did."

While I slept soundly in the comfort of Levi's arms, Levi laid awake bitterly recalling every moment in his life when he cursed his father for fucking his mother and never returning to care for his son. Sure, his mother's line of work complicated things, but wouldn't she have known who the father was the moment she first laid eyes on her newborn son? Did that man even know his son existed or did he just not care? Frustration washed over Levi as he swirled farther into the depths of despair and the unknown, drowning in "what if's" and "why's."

Call it fate, call it coincidence, call it what you will, but the moment Levi began to fall into the black hole filled with disturbing memories from his past, I moaned his name, calling out to him from within a dream, and wrapped my arms around his torso. My actions were just enough to pull him back to reality, as Levi sipped in a desperate gasp for air. Such a sharp inhale caused his chest to heave, which immediately startled me awake.

"Levi, are you okay!?" I cried, sitting up to find fear flashing in his eyes. He was quick to recover from his sudden loss of emotional control, forcing his expression to dull, but not quick enough to hide it from me. "Have you been awake this whole time?"

"I'm fine, (Y/N). Go back to sleep."

"You've been overthinking everything, haven't you?"

"Tch..."

"Levi, you are nothing like Kenny; you even said so yourself-"

"It's not that," Levi muttered as he jolted up from where he lay, clasping his forehead in frustration. "(Y/N), what if the only way I can be a father is to just do everything exactly the opposite of what I knew...? I remember how fucking painful it was to not have anyone to rely on. I can barely remember my mother because I lost her so young- I take that back... I barely remember her alive. I will never forget the days spent staring at my mother's body while surrounded by the stench of death. I wanted her to wake up so bad. I never left the room, for fear of missing her wake. That, and where would I go? I would talk to her for hours on end, hoping she would just say something back, but the only thing that ever replied to me was my fucking growling stomach."

I held onto every word that rapidly cascaded from Levi's mouth, as he revealed the pure agony of his hellish past. It seemed that from the moment he drew his first breath, he was destined for a life of loss and loneliness, and yet, he somehow remained persistent through it all.

For a good hour or so, Levi told me everything. He recalled his mother fondly, but his voice was riddled with sadness as he spoke. An underground brothel had been the worst place for a child to grow up. The things he heard and the abuse he saw were far too traumatic for anyone to ever have to witness at such a young age. His mother did her best to raise him by herself but was met with an unfortunate early demise. Had she not been providing for Levi, she may have been able to afford the treatment she so badly needed when she got sick. Levi shuddered, remembering the moment his mother died.

Only when I placed my hand on his back, providing reassurance, did he continue. Levi recalled how he was practically a skeleton when Kenny discovered him; how he was days, maybe hours away from death. He spoke about the things Kenny taught him: how to use a knife, how to fight, how to defend himself... things that shouldn't be required knowledge for a child.

As he continued to speak, he left out nothing.

When Levi's voice eventually faded into silence, he finally turned around to face me. His eyes were bloodshot and swollen from his attempts to hold back tears and fatigue. There was nothing I could say in that moment of raw vulnerability that would heal the man before me. After watching Levi rip out his patched and broken heart, only to offer it to me in silence, all I could do was pull him into my chest and hold him close. He clearly had not given himself permission to cry, so I did it for him.

"Levi, you may be humanity's strongest, and you may be my captain, but I am giving you an order... I order you to let go. Let go and mourn the childhood you were robbed of. Grieve for your mother. Grieve the loss of your friends and fallen comrades. It's human nature to cry when you're hurting this bad, so I order you to just let go already and cry."

As if on queue, Levi buried his face in my chest, clutching my shoulders desperately, and cried. Seeing Levi drop his guard and weep so uncontrollably filled me with utter devastation, yet also with sweet relief. Levi had been so deeply affected by the realization that he was becoming a father, that he had allowed himself to reflect inward for the first time in forever, something that seemed forbidden in order for him to keep his sanity. His desire to love and protect our future child was enough for him to break his own rules and ultimately let go.

That night, I held my lover close as he cried, releasing the fears and insecurities he had held onto for so long. Right before Levi finally surrendered to sleep, I gently nuzzled his cheek and whispered in his ear.

"You have already proven to me that you will be the best father a man could ever be. I love you, Levi. And so will our child."