The Idol In My Living Room

Part 5.2: Is This Love, Actually

Namjoon knew he made a mistake. It was a mistake to show up at her door. It was a mistake to pretend they were friends. It was a mistake to kiss her that night. But he would do it all over again if he had the chance. Eleanor had woken up something within him that he, the master of words, couldn't explain. It happened since the very first day they met at the fan sign event. She stood out like a shell in fine sand.

"Namjoon, at last!" Her smile filled the whole room. No doubt she was nervous but she kept it to herself pretty well. It intrigued Namjoon even to this day how she can manage to do that.

"I know it's a lot to ask because you guys are so busy but please read my letter when you have time!!" She said in her broken Korean. In a world where everyone demanded something of him, her simple request felt like a breath of fresh air.

"I promise I'll read it," he said but he forgot, he's Namjoon after all.

Namjoon had no idea how or when that letter ended up inside the backpack he was planning to take on his short non-hiatus trip. But there it was; a nicely folded, handwritten letter. Namjoon stopped packing for a second and sat down to read it.

It seems silly to write this part because I don't know if you'll ever read this but if you ever feel lonely, need a friend, someone to talk to, or vent will you please write me a letter? You don't even have to send it but if you do I'll get it, I promise I'm not going anywhere.

Namjoon has a burning desire for knowledge and he doesn't stop until he can satiate that feeling. And at that moment, he needed to know her.

He could barely sleep the night that he kissed Eleanor, granted he couldn't sleep most nights but this was different. He kept tossing and turning until it was morning. He washed his face in the kitchen sink, changed clothes, and went to the train station. He texted the two people who could help him.

"He's alive!" Jin replied.

"Fine, I'll be there," Yoongi said.

When it came to relationships, Jin and Yoongi were the ones to ask. They were the most experienced and offered opinions from opposite sides of the love spectrum. Yoongi is a hopeless romantic although he likes to deny it. And Jin, well, Jin is a serial dater and we should leave it at that.

Namjoon arrived at the restaurant and went to their usual spot, a secluded corner booth. Jin and Yoongi arrived a few minutes later. They sat across from him.

"You look like shit," Jin said.

"I haven't been sleeping that well," Namjoon said, pushing his hair back with one hand.

"So you're done with, what do you call it? Non-hiatus hiatus?" Yoongi asked looking at the menu.

"Not exactly, I've made some progress. But there's something else that's bothering me," he said.

"Wait, am I going to need a drink for this? You know what? I need a drink anyways." Jin said and immediately called the waiter for their first round of beers. 

Namjoon told them everything about Eleanor; how they can talk for hours without getting bored, how they share a love for reading, nature, and fine arts, the way he feels like a little kid who's never had a crush before when he's with her, and how easy it was to finish the songs that he's been working on for months during the last two days.

"She's not afraid to challenge me because I'm me. She even told me my opinions were wrong when I didn't agree with her book choices!" 

"Well, you're entitled to your wrong opinions." Eleanor had said that first night while Namjoon was going through her bookcase and judging her taste in books. No one had ever told him that and it made him laugh.

"So she's more stubborn than you are?" Yoongi asked.

"I'm not stubborn!" Namjoon said.

"Yes, you are Mr. I'm-Always-Right!" Jin said taking a sip of his beer.

"You're always sending screenshots of past conversations to prove a point," Yoongi said.

"Remember that time we went to that Thai restaurant instead of the one he wanted to go and the food ended up being really bad!" Jin said and they all laughed.

"He didn't talk to us for the rest of the day!!" Yoongi said in between laughs.

"Okay, fine!" Namjoon rolled his eyes and at that moment his phone started buzzing. Eleanor was calling him.

"Shh...she's calling me!"

Namjoon answered the phone. He wanted to call her earlier but he knew she'd be sleeping. He tried to send a text but couldn't bring himself to press send. Namjoon didn't want to make her uncomfortable after what had happened, he still wasn't sure if he had crossed a line he shouldn't have.

"Last night...we were both pretty drunk so don't worry about it okay?" He hung up the phone and found his friends looking at him with wide eyes.

"So at what point were you going to tell us about last night?" Yoongi asked resting his hands on his chin.

"More importantly, what happened last night Namjoon?" Jin said leaning back in his chair. 

"I was getting there."

"Very slowly if I may add," Yoongi said matter-of-factly.

"I kissed her" Namjoon looked away. 

"And?" Jin raised his eyebrows.

"And she was pretty drunk so nothing else happened."

"Wait, let me get this straight. You obviously like her so you kissed her then proceeded to tell her to forget about it?"

"Yeah Yoongi, I'm not following either," Jin said.

"I don't know, I panicked!" Namjoon covered his face with his hands. "I shouldn't have kissed her, not like that anyway. I really like her but it's been what? A few days, a week? No one falls in love that quickly!"

"Why do you have to question everything Namjoon?" Jin said and Yoongi nodded, flipping the meat on the grill. "Who cares if it's been a week? That's longer than some of my relationships.  What I'm trying to say is, get out of your head and just enjoy the moment."

"I agree with Jin hyung. She may be the love of your life or just a summer... well, now autumn, fling but you'll never know if you don't pursue her."

"Why is this hard?" Namjoon said rubbing his temples.

"Because...this is love yeah." Jin started signing.

"That's it, I'm leaving," Yoongi said while getting up but Jin pulled him down by grabbing his arm.

"Okay, okay, I'm done. But in all seriousness, listen to me Namjoon," Jin said grabbing Namjoon's face with both of his hands. "Just tell her you like her and if she wants to kiss you let her, she wants to sleep with you, do that too. Listen to your primal instincts for once."

Namjoon shoots Yoongi a desperate glance.

"Just do what feels right and take your time, we don't miss you at all," Yoongi said with a shrug. 

Namjoon knew he was kidding, about the not missing him part. The truth is everyone was enjoying having this time off. It was their first break, although forced, in a very long time.

Namjoon stopped by the dorm to say greet the rest of the guys before heading back but it was already late and he missed his bed. He called Eleanor to tell her he'd be going back tomorrow and they spend an hour on the phone as if nothing had happened.

After hanging up, he realized how much he missed her, craved her company. What an awful feeling that was. Namjoon went to sleep right away so he could leave first thing in the morning.