Mesperyian

Back in Time

 

When I was 20 years old was when I noticed that Kevin was never gonna look my way, that's when I convinced myself that I had to distance us, I had to detach my self from him emotionally and that's when he started openly seeing people. For 2 years he keped his sexual activities low, it's not that he didnt do it infront of me but there was always a limit. When I started separating myself from him he became more wild, I didnt like it but who was I to tell him that? Who was I to try and put a stop to it? A couple of the guys voiced there concern but I didnt really pay mind to it, his a grown man he could do what he wanted or in that case who he wanted. At that point I watched from the sidelines, I saw him break heart after heart, I saw countless time what should have been the walk of shame, but in his case he walked as if he were to be handed a trophy. As if he has leveld up in some sort of game, yeah that's what it was to him a game. A game he played well a game in wich he was sure to win, or so he thought.

After about 3 years of countless fucking, one night stands, hooking up with women from and out of town he stopped. I should feel ashamed that I watched him, unnerved that I sat back although it hurt, I enjoyed it?

I would image my self in that room, on that bed, my hands roaming his body. I would allow myself the pleasure of thinking he was fucking me! But then he brought this one girl back, 2 nights?, a month?, and I keped seeing her. why?

At some point I gave up hope, hope that his onetime things were just a distraction, that he at some point would end up inviting me to that room. She was now the owner of his heart he was at her beck and call, all she had to do was raise her eyebrow and there he was like a lost puppy wagging his tail, it made me sick, it made me mad, she had him where I wanted him, she was in other words his master. He was not the submissive type, but with her, with her he lost himself.

It wastn until a year ago that she finally desapired, she was just gone one day, left me thinking I had imagined the whole thing if it wasnt because she had left a couple of her things around the club house I would have been sure she was a figment of my imagination. He didnt even seem affected by her..., what should I call it?, departure? I dont know I just know things went back to normal, obviously not completely but in some sense it did and I wasn't very much thankful for it because now, now he had wanted to talk more to me, he had wanted to go back, he had wanted to act as if nothing changed. But I couldn't, even if he didn't see it. I did this, I pushed him away and it wasnt because I didnt want him, the complete opposite. I wanted him so bad it was starting to hurt, I knew he didnt see me that way but I couldn't help myself to a serving of him every now and then. I mentally enjoyed him. I watch and drank him in daily and that wasnt fair to him.

He was my best friend, he held my secrets and I his, there was no way that he wanted me in the same way so I dont regret what I did. But that doesn't take away the fact that I missed him. I missed talking to him, I missed hanging out, I missed him just being there. But I cant keep putting myself through that. I have to live on, and now I had somewhere to move on to.

It was gonna hurt like hell, it is gonna pain me in ways that I might not have ever felt but it will be for the best, he needs better and he knows it. I can't help but want to breath him in every time his around, I cant help but hang on to his every word and find other meanings to them. In my head he has asked me to let him in so many times, in my head he has declared that he too felt the same way, in my heart he has lived for years. It was time to open the gates and let him out, it was time to stop hurting. And I knew it was gonna be an unsteady climb but he was worth it it was better to have him in my life as a friend than not at all.

We finally arrived at the club and I was showed to what would be my room I sat at the edge of the twin size bed in the small room and pulled out my phone. I studied it as if searching for answers but it gave me none so I had no choice but to make the call.