Mesperyian

Dad

Hey lovely people, I decided to not keep you waiting for this last chapter. Ally's story is not over yet but this chapter of her life has come to an end or she thinks it has. Hope you guys enjoy this last chapter. Let me know if I should start publishing Athenas!
   

  I make my way to my fathers tombstone not knowing how to start but having a lot on my mind.

"Dad." I say and it doesn't seem right so I take a new approach.

"Father." Yeah. That's about right, he once had the privilege of being called dad but not anymore he lost that the day he decided to turn to drinking, the day he picked up his first, second and third drink. The day he decided that we were no longer important.

"Thank you. For at some point in my live loving me, thank you for showing me at first that I could and would make it through the nightmares I went through because of you."

I sit infront of his tombstone with anger cursing through my veins.

"I hate you." I say and shoke up a little.

"I hate what you became, I hate what happend, I hate that I stayed there for so long because of you! I hate that you thought I could do it alone, that you thought you didnt need us. That you thought you had lost everything. I hate you so much, but thank you."

"Thank you for showing me what a man shouldn't be, thank you for showing me the rights and wrongs of a father. And for building me up to then shatter me. If I hadn't known what I would be like happy and well I wouldn't have been able to get back to it."

"I should probably tell you about Kevin." I chuckled a little at that sentence, he doesn't deserve to know about the good thing that happened in my live, he doesn't deserve to know about the person that helped me get better but I'm gonna tell him so he knows that it wasnt him.

"I was broken when I meet him. I wasnt myself. I was the person you helped create, I was weak, I was pathetic, I wasn't, but he helped me build my self back up. He showed me how to do it. He took what you broke and made it look decent, for now. But I know his not done, I know theres alot more for him to work on and I know that when he finishes I will look fan-fucking-tastic and he will be the one to parade me around to make me feel like I was worth his time."

"I hope that where ever you are mom is. And I know that mom is in heaven so maybe just maybe you are too. Because before she past, before her time came you were amazing. You were the father that every little girl deserves. You were the father that Kevin is to Kaedy. And if you are in heaven then I'm happy for you." I sight and take in a deep breath not bothering to wipe the tears off my face.

"I'm happy that that monster is no longer you, I'm happy that you got what you wanted wich was her. And I'm happy that you are no longer suffering. But I hate that you left me to suffer. I hate that you took the easy way out and decided to forget. And in forgetting you forgot us. And for that I will always hate you or that part of you. But I also forgive you. I forgive because I know you were hurting, I forgive you because I know you didnt see any other way of living. I forgive you because you thought that she took all of you with her. But she didnt and I hope that where ever you guys are she is giving you shit for this. I hope she makes you beg, I hope she makes you cry, and I hope she doesn't let you forget because I will never forget because we  will never forget."

"If it makes you feel better about yourself, you should probably know that I raised Lana to be a wonderful women and she doesn't hate you. I told her good stories about you. The ones in wich it was You, Jamie and I. The ones with laughter and love. The ones that I would love to start remembering you by. And that's why I'm here." I take a deep breath wipe my face clean of the tears and scoot closer to his head stone.

"I'm here to tell you I'm ready to let go. I'm ready to let go of the past, of the hatred, of the guilt, of the pain. I'm ready to move on. Im ready to accept your unspoken apology. I'm ready to let you go. To let you rest in peace. I'm here to say, I'm sorry daddy." Again the tears begin to flow down my face.

"I'm sorry you had to lose momma, I'm sorry you had to live with that pain, I'm sorry you had a constant reminder of her and that drove you to the edge. I'm sorry that it hurt so much you couldn't enjoy Lana's first word or first step. Daddy they were the best moments of my live. She is so beautiful, I'm sure your enjoying her now. I'm sure your watching over her and watching her mature into a women. I love you daddy, I love you so much it hurts. I love you so much it was driving me crazy, I'm sorry for blaming you. I love you daddy, tell momma I miss her. Give her a kiss for me and a big hug. I love you both." I stand dust myself of and take the last two steps required to place my hand on the big stone that reads.

   Carl Jameson Rivers

Loving father, husband and son

May the rest of eternity be more than you got here on earth and may one day you meet again with the people that were important in many ways.

Love you daddy, say hi to momma!

I turn and begin walking back to the car where I see Whiz sitting on the hood with Kaedy in his arms. I quickly pick her up and kiss her head before nodding my head to Whiz letting him know I'm ready to continue with our day, and my live.

As we drove away from the cementary I felt a sence of relief I felt a weight being lifted of off my shoulder and chest I felt calm take over my body and a smile make it's way on my face. I didnt know I had needed that and maybe I didnt till now, but it helped, it helped so much, I can now continue to live my life with my wonderful baby girl and with Kevin.

Hopefully things keep going the way they are and I get a happy and stress free life, I mean as stress free as it can get with a baby. 

  My life was not an easy one and I wont lie if I could choose a different one I would, but I'm thankful for the people in it, the ones that help me move foward the ones that keped me going. Because with out those people I wouldn't be who I am today. I might not be period. And that terrifies the life out of me.

It took some time, it took me getting completely broken to be able to heal and that's when I remember the word the doctor at the hospital said to me.

  "listen to me when I say it's all gonna be worth it. Maybe not the pain, maybe not the nightmares or memories. But the fight to get better, the fight to move on will be worth it once you realize how many friends and family members are at the finish line cheering you on. So take your time, grief, be angry, let it hurt, let it brake as much as it has to, but when you feel like you cant take anymore dont let it finish you. Fight back, take charge and show the world and who ever did this to you that you are more than they wanted you to be. Show them they were wrong to try and use you, to try and brake you."

She was right it took me letting it brake, it took me giving in and hurting  to get better. I am so thankful for her. I'm thankful for those words and I hope to one day see her again and be able to thank her properly.

  I know I'm not done healing but I can now begin living again. I can now laugh in the process. I might have givin up at some point but there were people fighting for me. And I'm ready to show them I was worth there time.

I'm now ready to improve myself to evolve, to change into something better.

     The name Mesperyian never suited me as well as it does now.

To Be Continued?!?

I didn't want to finish with her accepting a relationship with Kevin because that's not what the book was about, it was about her healing and she did it, she is finaly in a place where as she said she can now laugh and enjoy the rest of her journey. Thank you so much for reading and voting, Athena's book will be out in a couple of days!!!!! (Maybe)

Talk to you laters!