Mesperyian

Cries and Breakdowns

   I wake up to a loud yet soft cry, I open my eyes to see Kevin grabbing Kaedy from the bassinet, I turn to look the other way not intrested in what ever it is that is going on.

"Hey Kay-Kay, what is it sweetheart." I hear Kevin say and move to look at him, he is now holding Kaedy to his chest while rubbing her back, he looks at me and noticed me looking.

"Good your awake, I think shes hungry. Want to try breastfeeding?"
He questions while making his way toward me. I shake my head and turn back to the wall. "Mesperyian, please, shes hungry. She needs to feed."

"Get a nurse to feed her. I cant." I want to, but I dont think I can, I don't think I should, she deserves so much better, she deserves a no worries life. She deserves to live without the pain I live with and the pain I bring in to my life and the ones around me.

"Atleast hold her while I go get a nurse." I sit up and he places her on my lap with her head laying in between my knees and I start to hum while swinging my legs side to side unknowingly making her cries calm a little.

"Please ask for nurse Kelly. I have questions." I say with out looking up from Kaedy, I dont get a response back only the soft click of the door when he walks out.

After a couple of minutes I hear the door open again and when I look back up Kevin is walking in with a bottle of milk, he grabs Kaedy sits on the recliner and begins to feed her before speaking.

"Shes on her way, had to make a quick stop, how are you doing baby?" He ask with a shy smile on his face before I could answer the door opens again and nurse Kelly walks in.

"How are you doing miss Allison? And what can I do for you?" She ask while walking around the bed to take my blood pressure.

"I would like to start the process of adopting." Is all I say before she stops what shes doing and looks at me and then at my other side to where Kevin is sitting holding Kaedy.

"Mesperyian what are you talking about?" Kevin says but i ignore him and continue to talk to Kelly, i have made my mind and I dont want him to change it, I know that if he tries he can convince me to keep her and I dont want to give him a chance to do it.

"How soon can you get me the paperwork?" I ask Kelly trying to do my best at ignoring Kevin.

"I can call an agency to come by tomorrow with the paperwork and everything that will be needed she said while walking out of the room forgetting that she was about to examine me.

"Mesperyian...." Kevin starts but I cut him off.

"You have no say Kevin, so please, just hand her over and go home."

"Baby...." he tries again.

"Give me the baby Kevin and go home before I call a nurse to drag you out." He walks toward me with Kaedy and before placing her on my lap again he kisses her forehead a couple of times and talks to her in a whisper.

"I'm sorry Kay-Kay, Im so sorry, I love you so much baby, please be a good girl. I'll find you again, I promise and I'll keep an eye on you and mommy." He give her another kiss lays her down and walks out the door without sparing me a glance.

I look down at Kaedy and cant hold back the tears anymore. After a while of just crying and holding her I begin to sing, I'm not sure if I'm singing for her or formyseld but it was a song my mother used to sing to me when I was having a bad day. A song that I remember she would also sing to Jamie at nights even when he didnt want her to. It's called Like You by Tatiana Manaois.

(song on top)

After I was done I looked up to see nurse Kelly standing by the door holding a small bottle half way empty.