F**k it, I love you. | Lana + Marina

Chapter Five

I stare at the reflection in front of me.

"Ok, Marina, pep talk." I announce into my mirror.

"It's a new morning, it's a new day. Just focus on what's most important; your career, your music. Let's get out there and work hard to make the most of the day." I give myself a confident smile.

It's still early, the sun hasn't risen yet. I glance over my schedule, which has each and every event listed. Being an overly-organized person has its benefits. I'm expected in the studio in an hour. We're recording the first song for "Love + Fear," titled "Handmade Heaven" which we plan on releasing later this month.

. . .

Shit, shit. shit. I open my phone as I frantically run out of the studio, eight missed calls, and 10 unread text messages all from Phillip. I'm undoubtably late to the meeting, which is arguably the most important meeting I've yet to attend. How on earth did I allow this to happen? I don't respond to him - I don't enjoy confrontations over the phone, assuming this would occur if I call back. I'll just face him in person once I arrive.

I hurriedly order myself an Uber. In moments like this it would be convenient to have a car to just jump in and go. Phillip urged me to purchase my own car when I first moved, but I haven't had time to shop for one yet. Figures.

Not only am I behind on time, but I'm also mentally and physically drained. Recording Handmade Heaven took ages, and when the session concluded I could feel my brain power and creative juices running out. Perhaps I'll take a quick nap on the way there.

. . .

My Uber drops me off, I rush to the door where Phillip is waiting. Although I feel guilty, I try to express otherwise, giving him a smile. He doesn't look happy, to say the least.

"Why are you late?" Shit, he's definitely irritated. He doesn't even look me in the eye, as he starts leading me through the building.

"The session, lost track of time."

"I had your studio session and this meeting spaced out specifically so that you were sure to make it on time. It was supposed to start almost an hour ago, I've been standing here for 50 minutes to let you in, sent you countless calls, texts."

"I know."

He sighs, "You need to keep a better track of time. This is ridiculous." He emphasizes 'ridiculous,' which deepens my mood further. I fucked up, I know.

We abruptly stop in front of a door and Phillip knocks, we're then let in by Victoria, one of the label directors. This is the first meeting where both her and Stanley, the label administrator, are present. The others in here have all been at my previous meetings. We enter the room and take our seats around a conference table. I catch a moment to study the individuals, already feeling the tension in the room course through my bones.

"Thanks for deciding to show up." I can't tell if Victoria is being light-hearted, or furious. Probably the latter.

"Marina and the Diamonds." Stanley calls from across the table.

"Oh, it's actually just 'Marina' now," I correct him, "No 'diamonds.'" He puckers his lips in annoyance, he must not be used to women correcting him. This is starting off just wonderfully. I already want to cry. Moments like these make me wish I was back in London.

"There are not many people who get opportunities like you have." Victoria states, taking her seat diagonally from me.

"I know," My voice is quiet, "And I feel very lucky to be here."

"If you truly feel that, you would at least show up when you're expected to." Stanley replies.

"I sincerely apologize." I assert. I didn't want to make an excuse, there isn't one.

Victoria proceeds to take out a folder from her bag, and organizes the papers inside. There's tension between everyone here, and each second makes me more uneasy. I put this on myself, though.

"Marina, you're talented. Very talented," Victoria eases her tone, "Which we all already know."

"We want to produce this album. We want to see you succeed." Stanley adds.

"But it's really hard to work with someone who can't focus during our time, and then presents herself an hour late." Victoria sits back in her seat. She wan't here for the meeting before, where I had spaced out. My action must have been disclosed to her.

"It won't happen again, I can assure you." I announce, confidently. She nods in response.

"Love and Fear. Catchy, cute, simple." Stanley expresses as he begins to read the track list out loud, "You need to have all the songs polished and finalized by the end of this month. April will be the release month. In the meantime, we will have you continue to record, set up music videos and visualizations, talk about tour, so on so forth."

"Actually, I was thinking of releasing Love and Fear in two parts." I propose, "'Love' being released first, and 'Fear' second."

"Interesting proposition." Stanley nods, and gazes around, making eye contact with everyone. "I suppose that's a rather smart idea. That way, we can prolong the promotional phases. A smart money-making move." He brings out a laptop, and types away on it, probably making notes.

The 'money-making move' wasn't my reason for dividing the record into two parts - but there's no use in stating my notion.

"If this is how we want to do it," Victoria chimes in, "You will need to have 'Love' finalized within two weeks."

Fuck. That's sooner than I thought. But I'm confident in my decision to release it in this way.

"I won't disappoint you." I vowed.

Phillip turns to me, he appears worrisome. "Are you sure you can handle this?"

"I think so." I hope so.

. . .

Phillip, as kind as he is, drives me home once again. The sky is painted with cotton candy clouds as the sun falls. We listen to his radio as we ride. I'm not sure what station this is, or what specific genre of music it's playing. Kind of a mix of alternative and pop. I'm enjoying it.

"Do you realize the stress you're putting on yourself?" He blurts out. I sit up and take my focus away from the music.

"Yeah. I'll be fine." I murmur. I want to announce that we finished Handmade earlier in the studio, but by this point I've almost completely run out of energy to hold a conversation.

"It's clear to see that you look exhausted. You better rest up well and prepare yourself for these next couple of weeks." He suggests, "And all the way until the release." He adds, "And tour." He finishes. This stresses me out, but I recall my pep talk from this morning; I need to focus on my career and work hard. I'm running low, but it's necessary that I push through. This is what being a serious musician requires. This is what Hollywood requires. I stiffen up in my seat and clench my fists, holding my anxiety.

"Fear fun, fear love, fresh out of fucks forever. Trying to be stronger for you..."

I release my tension as I let the angelic voice from the radio wrap me up into a blanket of ease, I recognize it almost immediately.

Lana.

All of my worries diminish into the air. Her voice is soothing, calming, I am tranquilized.

"Ice cream, Ice queen, I dream in jeans and leather. Life's dream, I'm sweet for you."

Phillip looks over at me, he must have caught me in my sedative state.

"Lana." He repeats my thoughts aloud.

"Yeah" I reply, smittenly.

"You're friends, right? Or used to be? She's become successful over the years. And a great gal too."

"Yeah" I echo. Phillip adjusts the volume higher. Her voice brings me shivers as I continue to listen. No one's music is able to do this to me. She's a poet. She's magic.

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