F**k it, I love you. | Lana + Marina

Chapter Twenty Two

t warning: panic/anxiety attack

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"Please, for the sake of your name, sign with Sony," Phillip advocates as we pull up into my driveway. I unbuckle the seatbelt and swiftly get out of the car, saying nothing in return. I swear if he mentions one more word to me, I might lose it. My mind is already racing and, somehow, Phillip always has his way of making my anxiety amplify by a hundred. 

 "Please, Marina. Make the right choice. Be serious," He calls one last time. I change my pace from a speed-walk to a sprint as I approach my door. I unlock it and shut it quickly behind me, sliding my body down it as I cup my face in my hands.

Marina, it's not that bad. You're being a dramatic baby like you always are. Just do what Phillip says; sign with Sony. Get your career back on track. Be serious. This is why you moved to Los Angeles in the first place.

But, shit. The fact that Angela wants to change the title and get rid of one of the most vulnerable, and heart-filled song I've written for Love and Fear. It's making me think otherwise. 

This decision will be the death of me, one way or another. I won't win in either outcome. 

My mind continues to race, as per usual, so I decide to ring the only person I know who can calm me down. She picks up the phone and sings a sweet 'hello' into the phone before I immediately beg her to come over. I smile into her voice; the sweet and simple greeting already slows my anxious heartbeat in a way I can't fathom, yet it also speeds it up in a completely different way. Lana is the only person who's ever been able to do this to me. 

"I can't right now. I'm still in the studio." 

Damn it, Lana. At moments like these I hate the fact that you're so damn hardworking. 

"When will you be done?" I question into the phone. I use a tone in which I attempt to sound like I'm okay, even though I'm clearly not. I wouldn't want her to worry or anything. But I can basically hear her eyebrow raise at my desperateness to have her here with me. A few seconds of silent hesitation passes before she speaks again.

"Soon, babe. We're wrapping it up now and I'll come straight there," She replies shortly. Yet it's enough to temporarily calm me down.

"Okay, see you soon Lana." 

"See you soon Mar," She whispers back and the call ends.

I collapse onto my couch and twiddle my fingers. My inevitable dark thoughts start coming in again as I weigh out my current options; do I sign or not? This could be my real shot, this could be my breakthrough as an artist. I can finally have everything I've been dreaming of! But my intuition is telling me otherwise. Additionally, Phillip will be mad if I don't sign, Lana will be upset if I do. Which isn't really the issue per se, because in the end it is my decision and I shouldn't care about what anyone else thinks. But it does bring me more stress to make the ones around me disappointed. Especially the ones who keep me afloat when I'm sinking. 

It doesn't matter though, it's all up to me. Only me. I have to stop acting like a baby and make the adult decision by myself. 

Now the 'what ifs' start to enter my mind;

What if I sign and the same fucking thing happens again: what if they overwork me until my voice breaks again. I'm sure it's already damaged enough, I won't be able to strain it any more. Or what if something even worse happens. Like they work me until my entire mind and body goes numb. At least I'll be famous in the end. But once I'm famous, then what? Will I be constantly stalked to the point where I fear my safety, like at the beach with Lana? And what about Lana. Will I even have the time and energy to be her girlfriend? Do I even want the fame anymore? Will I have to literally sell my soul in order to feel like I belong in Hollywood?

I keep running different scenarios in my head to the point where my brain goes out of control.

Jesus Christ. What the fuck am I going to do? 

My thoughts consume me, making my head spiral. I feel dazed and light headed, and my breathing becomes increasingly unstable. Where the fuck is Lana? I push myself off the couch and start towards the kitchen to retrieve a glass of water, in hopes to calm myself down again. I'm halfway there, and I gasp for air as the wind gets knocked out of me. Next thing I know, I'm on the floor. I start breathing as if I've been underwater for hours. I attempt to lift myself up, but my muscles wont give in. It's at this moment when I start having a full-fledged panic attack.

I lie down on the floor and wrap my arms around my legs, bringing them into my chest in a fetal position. Not the best idea, as this makes it even harder to breathe. The only thing I'm able to do is close my eyes and sob silently.

A few minutes later I get startled as a I hear someone open up the front door and walk through the entrance. I open my eyes and make out a feminine figure standing there, frozen. She spots me curled up and without any verbal reaction, she dashes over to me on the floor. She sits next to me and pulls me up onto her lap. I gasp for air at the change in position. 

"Come on, baby," She croaks. My vision is blurry from crying so hard but I can make out tears in her eyes as she attempts to lift me off my feet. "Let's get you to bed." 

She continues to lift me but my body is limp and Lana isn't strong enough to hoist my weight up. She exhales frustratedly at her failed attempt and brings me in closer to her body. We sit here, on the floor, the flood of tears comes back and I'm crying into her lap. The heat from her body is the only thing keeping my head above water right now. No matter what happens, I know for a fact that I don't want to lose her. I can't lose her for anything. I bury my face in her thighs and embrace her touch as her hands run through my frizzy hair. I guess all the crying has worn me out, because my perception of time seems to leave me as I lose consciousness. 

. . .

sorry short chapter!! i've been really busy lately but i'm not forgetting about this 

btw this is all fictional (obviously) and sony isn't really a terrible company.