F**k it, I love you. | Lana + Marina

Chapter Eleven

Marina's Point of View

Phillip drives us to the studio. I made Lana sit with me in the back seat. I can't get myself  to leave her side. She makes me feel safe - a feeling I haven't experienced in a long time. The way she stood up for me earlier made me realize how much she cares about me. It also made me come to terms with my ever-so conflicting emotions towards her.

I think I like her. I even might go further and admit that I like her a lot. 

"Keep drinking water, Marina." Phillip suggests, interrupting my mushy thoughts. As much of an ass as he can be, sometimes, he really does want the best for me. 

Although I have no idea what's going to happen today, I can only hope that it goes well, and we finish the last track. However, the closer we get to the studio, the more nervous I become. 

I take Lana's hand and play with her fingers, trying to distract myself from my inevitable future. Her skin is soft, silk to the touch. I draw my index finger across her faded tattoos, admiring the 'paradise' one in particular. I place our hands flat against the other, comparing the sizes; hers is delicate, yet her fingers reach slightly higher than mine do. Mine are fuller, more broad. I then intertwine our fingers together, and smile mischievously at her. She returns the smirk, and slowly brings my hand up to her lips and places a fragile kiss on it. An overwhelming sensation of butterflies transpires in my stomach, and my head goes into a trance. I wonder if she can feel it too.

"We're here." Phillip calls.

Lana releases my hand and the overwhelming feeling of dread re-enters my mind. I don't want to go in there. I can't do it. 

"Fucking finally." James says as the three of us enter. "Nice to see you, Phil. And who do we have here?" He looks towards Lana, "Is that Lana Del Rey herself?"

 "Damn. What a surprise." Joel adds, turning around from his keyboard.

After the boys introduce themselves to Lana, I'm directed by James to go into the sound booth. I put on my headphones and turn on the mic. Deep breaths. It's just a normal session. Minus the fact that this is the final recording day, and the pressure on me to do well is absolutely killing me.

While attempting my vocal warm ups, I notice Joel sits right next to Lana outside the booth. He says something to her, making her laugh. I feel my stomach drop. Ew. Might I be jealous? I'm not the type to get jealous, but the way he's looking at her. No. It's all in my head. The pressure must be getting to me.

James cues me in through his microphone, "Okay, Marina. Are you ready?"

I shrug, my warm up was already terrible enough. I sounded like a dying pigeon. But like Phillip said this morning, all I can do is try. 

I look over at Phillip, he gives me an encouraging thumbs up and mouths 'good luck.' I then look over at Lana, who's still making conversation with Joel. My heart rages but I decide to ignore it. 

"Last track, 'True.' Don't worry, Marina. You got this." James says.

He starts the track, I begin singing the first verse as best as I can, through the pain;

"Everybody tells us what to do, do, do
Think they always know what's good for you, you, you
We know they don't really have a clue, clue, clue"

James pauses the instrumental and shakes his head,

"Let's go again."

I repeat the verse. Like the first attempt, It doesn't go well. 

"Okay... Let's just." He hesitates, "We're going to skip to the chorus this time." I can tell he's trying his best to not seem frustrated.

I take a deep breath and begin singing again,

"Always said we're gonna be true
We will never change, we will never change
They could never do it better
Than when we are, are together"

James stops the track again,

"It could sound better. Let's go again." 

I repeat the chorus. James stops the track once again and sighs, 

"One sec, Marina. Drink some water and stay put." 

He turns around and confers with Phillip. I can't make out anything they're saying, but it appears to be arguing. James throws his hands up and motions towards me, Phillip feuds back. I become heated watching their bickering. I glance over to find Joel and Lana completely disregarding the others' discussion. They're still chatting and smiling at each other. 

That's it. I've had enough. 

I take off my headphones and exit the sound booth, and then quietly exit the studio room. I don't normally fuss over silly things, but my head is spinning and I need to get the hell out of here. 

I escape the building into the California sunshine. Finally some fresh air, away from the chaos inside. I fall onto the curb of the car park and begin crying uncontrollably, hoping no one has noticed my disappearance. 

Seconds later I hear the door swing open from behind me. A figure sits next to me and pulls me into them. The soft touch, the sweet scent, and the warm embrace combined tell me it's Lana.

"Don't cry." She whispers.

I collapse onto her lap, tears drenching her jeans. I hate crying in front of people. Lana shouldn't have to deal with this. She shouldn't have to deal with me. I really am just an emotional machine. 

"You're going to make me cry too, if you don't stop." She attempts to lift my head up but I oppose. I don't want her to see my face. 

"Babe," She whispers. The tears continue to fall. 

"Look into my eyes," She requests. 

I wipe away as many tears as I can before facing her. I allow her to cup my face and bring it centimeters to hers. She caresses her thumb on my cheek while forcing us to lock eyes. She looks at me, admirably. 

"You're beautiful when you cry." 

She then slowly leans in, and brings our lips together. She kisses me delicately, yet passionately. I close my eyes and deepen the kiss. Suddenly nothing in the world matters to me except her. 

And I think I've fallen in love with her.

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