Owning You - A Na Jaemin Fanfic

30. The Walk

"What?" I say, biding for time. I can feel my face flushing.

"I can't find my phone." His eyes are very still, watchful.

"Maybe you dropped it in the bus," I say. The lie rolls off my tongue, silky smooth, I hope it's convincing.

"I went back, and checked. It's not there."

"You can use mine." I say.

"If you don't mind." Is he mocking me? Oh, shit. I called Carol. Would he notice it? Mutely, I pass him my phone. Who is he calling? He wouldn't call Carol. Surely not, not with me here, the petrified creature whose knees are shaking and whose heart is hammering like the guilty two-faced liar that she is.

I hold my breath while he dials. Not Carol. Please, don't let it be Carol.

"Mum," I hear him say and I sag against the giant red-leafed oak tree behind me in relief. "No, no, I'm fine. I'm at camp...she did?" He pauses. No. Oh, no. "What did she want?" I didn't think about Carol calling his house. The bitch. I feel white-hot rage sink deep in, its nails raking my insides. "Oh, but she didn't tell you why? Well, I'll be back in a couple of days, I'll talk to her then...yes, I'm sure mum. Love you too." I watch his face carefully. He is frowning.

"Hey," I say rudely, taking my phone from his hand and stuffing it in my jeans pocket. "I need to go to my room." I march off before he can say anything.

"Haeri, wait." Oh, shit. He catches up with me at the lobby. "We need to talk." Shit. Oh, shit. "I'll meet you here in half an hour."

"B-but I'm kind of tired..." I say desperately.

"Half an hour." He stares at me, unsmiling. "You can nap later. After our talk."

"Okay," I whisper. Sweat is breaking out all over my body. He has already walked off. He didn't even say, Bye. Oh, God. Oh, God. He knows. He must have seen me throw away the damn phone. Is he going to break up with me? But he can't, can he? Our relationship is so much bigger than the two of us, than him finding out that I'm a bare-faced, dishonest liar. It involves our families and money, lots and lots of money. Legal commitment on paper. We can't just terminate what we have. We have a contract. A business arrangement. Right? Right?

A heavy stone has lodged in my heart.

"Let's walk," he says shortly when I come down to the lobby.

"Okay," I say brightly.

I follow him outside, stuffing my hands deep into the pockets of my jacket.

Is it like ten degrees? It's so cold. Or, maybe it's just Jaemin. He looks like a block of ice. I shiver and rub my arms.

"What's going on here, Haeri?"

"Camping," I giggle, which doesn't even earn me half of a smile. What does he want me to say? What's safe? Liars just keep on lying. They don't know when to stop. So, I say lightly, even though I can hardly breathe, I'm so scared, "I don't know, Jaemin. What do you want me to say?"

He stares at me. Then he shakes his head. He looks at me in a way that makes my chest squeeze. He has never looked at me like that before, like he is...disappointed. I feel hot tears prickle my eyes. I turn my face away. So what? So what if he is disappointed? I'm not a good person. I'm not a nice person. It was only a matter of time before he saw the kind of low- life creature that I am. I - I just hadn't wanted him to find out quite so soon.

Before I can open my lying mouth, he beats me to it. "You can't think of anything to say?" he says tightly. I shake my head. Why do I lie? For real, it's like a disease.

"All right then..." He doesn't say anything for a beat. Then: "I'm going for a walk." He takes off, striding away, leaving me open-mouthed, staring in shock at his departing back.

For a moment, I stand there, motionless, unsure what to do. I want to catch up with him, blurt out the truth, beg him to forgive me, walk with him.

But I do nothing of the sort, of course. I can't. Kim Haeri is a liar and a horrible person. She doesn't deserve to be forgiven. She deserves to be dumped. She knew it was coming anyway. This was too good to last.

I take a deep breath.

And then I set off in the opposite direction.

I walk and I walk and I walk.

I reach the top of the valley, breathing hard from my climb. And then my heart is racing from more than just the exercise. Halfway down the green slope toward the river, I see Jaemin. I had not expected to run into him, but there he is, a still, imposing figure, the boy that I love, the boy who is repulsed by me.

He is standing with one hand in his pocket, a gust of wind ruffling his hair, tall and lean and silent. As if I were stalking a wild horse that might bolt any moment, I step quietly and carefully. Still he turns around and sees me much too soon, when I am a good sixty feet away. I stop. He gazes at me for a moment, looks away briefly toward the hills, glances at me again, and then turns back to the river. No acknowledgment. But then again, no anger either. I walk to him, my heart full of a strange, aching tenderness.

"Long walk?" I ask, when I stand next to him.

"Hmm," he says.

The sun has gone behind a cloud. The air stirs. A breeze ruffles his hair, the tips of which appear a great deal blonder than this morning.

I suddenly realize how tired he looks, not a purely physical exhaustion, but a weariness for which a good night's sleep would do nothing. I must have done that to him, I think. He must be sick and tired of me. I know I am sick and tired of myself.

"I walked." I say. "The other way. I hadn't expected to run into you." He stares at me, unsmiling. And then he looks away from me.

We are silent for some time, staring at the panorama of the lush, beautiful river valley.

"I'm sorry," I say sullenly. I'm not sorry that I threw away your phone. I'm only sorry that you caught me.

He stiffens, and opens his mouth, as if to say something. It's over between us, maybe. Whatever it is, I don't want to hear it.

"I'll be off now," I say abruptly. He stares at me, his look harsh, and half-puts out a hand. To touch me? To stop me? I wait, but his mouth tightens. His hand drops to his side.

I turn, and walk away, feeling his eyes on my back. But he makes no move to come after me. Why would he? I think bitterly. The next move he makes will be to break up with me. I am patient. I can wait. I square my shoulders against the biting wind. You don't need him, Kim Haeri. You don't need anyone. Haven't your learnt your lesson yet? Nobody stays. Everybody leaves.

But the tears still come, anyway.