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March 18, 20XX Wednesday
I researched endlessly all the information I could about retrograde amnesia, an entire night's worth.
I learned that its more about the loss of facts rather than skills.
I learned that it could be temporary, permanent, even progressive.
I learned that it was different from anterograde amnesia in which the person has trouble making new memories after.
But there was also a fourth thing I learned...
Building up the courage to walk to Taehyung's room again, I stand right outside his door, hand on the side handle.
I think about the conversation I had earlier with Ms. Sara, my nurse. The very conversation that gave me a bit of hope to still cling onto.
I looked at her, eyes adorned with tears. "Ms. Sara, I'm so scared."
Taehyung had no memories of our past. He had no memories of our love. Without those memories how can he love me the same?
Was he even the same person I fell in love with? Aren't memories what makes us, us? The Taehyung in that room was a different Taehyung than the one I knew. He's a stranger now and the scariest part is thinking that I'll never see my Taehyung again.
One by one, tears plopped onto the hospital bed sheets.
"Mrs..." The nurse quickly handed me a handkerchief to which I graciously took.
"Do you know what hurts me the most? It's the way I acted towards him before the accident. I-I don't think I even said I love you."
The nurse looked at me, empathizing. "Would you like to go see him, Mrs.?"
I release a shaky sigh, wiping my tears away before my arm loses all energy and comes back down in front of me.
"What if I start noticing different things about him? What if I just end up getting more hurt from all this?"
Ms. Sara places her hand on top of mine, the warmth comforting. "You'll never know unless you see him, my dear. What if there's nothing different at all? What if there's hope?"
I really thought there was hope, but as I stare at Taehyung's vacant eyes,
as his parents introduce me once again to him,
as he repeats my name with no love behind it,
fear buries deeply the little hope I clung onto.
Because you see, there was still that fourth thing I learned...
"Taehyung," My voice cracks under the hands of my pain, "Do you not remember me?"
He turns my way slowly, no smile to indicate an elaborate joke.
"Taehyung..." My vision becomes blurry with tears, my hand desperately clutching my shirt because all I really wanted to do was soothe my heart to ease the ache. "Taehyung, do you not remember me visiting yesterday?"
My eyes sink in the darkness of his, absolutely no familiarity reflecting back.
The fourth thing I learned...
He swallows hard, his Adam's apple bobbing in his throat. Parting his lips, he only fuels my fears.
