Don't say that you love me

Part 24

(Ryder pov) I ran my hands through my hair as i sat down on the floor. I was so close to kissing him. Why had i even called him in the first place?

I took a deep breath as i pulled myself to my feet and walked towards my room. I couldn't handle this. Harry was always in my mind and so was Niall. I couldn't take feeling guilty all the time. It was too much for me.

I lay down in my bed and pulled the blanket over me. It was only 8:23 but i didn't care. I was tired and alone. The two worst things for me.

I clamped my eyes shut tightly as the tears began to well up in my eyes. Not only did i have to deal with my drop beat mom but i also had to deal with two boys who both apparently loved me. Out of all the girls in the world, why me?

I shook my head as i wiped my eyes gently. I didn't need this right now. Not after the day that i had. I crawled out of bed and walked into my bathroom. I needed something to help me sleep. 

I heard my phone buzz from the other room but i ignored it. I didn't want to talk to anyone. Not now at least.

"Where are they." I whispered to myself as i rummaged through my medicine cabnet. I sighed when i found the small bottle of medicine i used to take. Sleeping wasn't always easy for me.

I pulled one out and shoved it into the back of my through as i bent over to take a sip from my fauset. I felt the tears burn in my eyes as i swallowed it down. The last time i had taken one of these was 2 years ago. I needed them when i first moved away from home.

I shook the thought out of my head as i walked back into my room. I looked down at my phone to see Ali had called twice. Great, just what i need. Another person to explain my screwed up life to.

I yawned as i rested my head back onto the pillow. I wasn't going to deal with this today. I still had to call Niall back too. Tomorrow i will.

(Harry pov) I slammed my door shut as i walked into my apartment. 

"Fuck!" I shouted as i hit the wall. I shook my head as i slowly sank to the floor. I was so close to kissing her. So close to showing her how i still felt. But no, she had to think of Niall or something.

I shook my head as i took a deep breath. I wasn't going to do this anymore. I wasn't going to sit here and pretend that i don't love her. It hurt to much to fight my feelings.

I pulled myself to my feet as i walked into the kitchen. I picked up a bottle of whiskey and took a swig. It burned my throat as i swallowed it. 

I sat down at the table as i rested my head in my hand. Why was this so difficult. I had never felt this way about someone and i let her go.

"I can't do this." I whispered to myself as i took another sip.

I hated being alone, even though alone was all i ever was anymore. No one cared about me like Ryder had. 

But somehow i let her walk away. I let her believe that i actually didn't care about her. Made her think that i didn't want to be with her.

"Why?" I asked myself as i tear dripped down my cheek.

And still i drove all the way back to her home town to pick her up. Because i love her, bcause i would do anything for her.

I shook my head as i gripped the whiskey bottle tightly in my hand and looked at it. This was all i had anymore.

I lifted the bottle high as i began to drink the rest of it.

(Ryder pov) I sqeezed my eyes shut tightly as i gripped my forehead. I had a killer headache. I forgot how badly my head hurt when i first started taking these pills. 

I pulled myself out of bed and made my way into the kitchen. I poured myself a tall glass of water and walked back to my room. It was already nearly 10:34. 

I reached for my phone as i looked at the missed calls. I needed to call Ali and Niall back. They both were probably worried.

Hey Ali, i'll stop by the coffee shop to see you when your working. Sorry i didn't answer you last night. I was busy. I'll tell you all about it later.  I typed as i yawned.

Then i dialled Niall's number and pulled the phone to my ear as it began to ring.

 "Hello?" His sweet Irish voice said into the phone as i smiled.

"Hey Nialler, sorry i didn't call you back last night. I had a busy night." I told him as i smiled.

"No problem babe, glad you had a good time. What are you doing today?"

"I'm going to go visit Ali at work. I need to talk to her about something. Want me to call you when i get home?" I said as he paused for a minute.

"But i thought you were at her house yesterday?" He asks me as i bit my lip. Shit. I forgot i had told him that.

"erm, yeah. I forgot something at her house and she brought it to work with her so i can get it." I told him as i shoved my head in my hand. That was stupid of me.

"Oh alright, well call me when you get back!" He said as I nodded.

"I will babe, bye." I said before i hung up. I had completely forgotten i told Niall i wen't to Ali's last night. 

I shook my head as i walked towards my closet. I was in no mood to dress up. I pulled a tight pair of leggins on and then a white shirt on as i looked at myself in the mirror. I was a mess.

I quickly pulled my hair into a bun before i added a tiny bit of mascara to the mess. You could see my swolen eyes from half a mile away.

I shook it off as i walked out of my apartment and down the street. I just needed to talk to Ali. I needed to tell her what happened. She would understand everything.

I pulled the door to the coffee shop open as a walked out.

"Ryder?" Someone said as i looked over at the girl. It was Eleanor Calder, Louis's girlfriend. I had only met her once.

"Hi Eleanor, how are you?" I asked with a smile as she grinned. 

"I'm good! Hey, do you want to hangout? I have no plans today! We can have a girls day!" She said with a smile as i bit my lip and looked into the coffee shop.

I saw Ali over by the cash register. She hadn't seen me out here. I turn to look back at Eleanor with a smile. It wouldn't kill Ali if i talked to her tomorrow right? 

"Sure, sounds like fun." I said with a grin as Eleanor nodded.

"Oh good! I wanted to ask you something anyways so perfect!" She said with a bubbly grin as we began to walk down the street.

We talked as we walked back to her apartment. It wasn't too far from the coffee shop.

"It's so good to have a real chance to talk to you! We have only met briefly before." She said with a smile as she opened her door and led me in. I smiled as i looked around her apartment.

It was such a cute apartment. Photos of her and Louis were scattered around the walls. I grinned as i looked at them.

"I love your place!" I said with a smile as she grinned back at me. 

"Oh thank you! Come sit, i want to talk to you!" she said with a grin as she walked towards the couch. I followed her and sat besides her as she grinned.

"So tell me, which one do you really love. Harry or Niall?" She asked me as my eyes grew wide. Shit.