TW: This book has a lot of descriptions of abuse and because of how often it is, there are no trigger warnings at the beginning of chapters. Take this as a warning for the whole book.
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Samuel never thought that moving out of his childhood home wo...
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xxxi. The Road To Self Discovery
I woke up on Saturday to an oddly calm feeling. I had been sleeping well for the last couple of days, because I didn't hear yelling from upstairs. Not hearing yelling meant that there was likely nothing to worry about.
I hoped there was nothing to worry about, at least.
I laid in my bed, staring up at the white ceiling. There had been a lot of things I'd been pushing out of my mind since Thanksgiving. My sister, and Benjamin.
Well, not Benjamin per say. More so the doubts he had managed to bring to me. Doubts about who I was and who I was attracted to.
As I'd mentioned before, I had never had any sort of doubts about my sexuality growing up. I had always just assumed that I was straight because that was the default. You were either straight, or you weren't. Figure it out yourself, no one was going to help you.
It would have been so much easier if everyone knew their sexualities the second they were born, but sadly it didn't work like that.
I went about my morning routine as normal, not really knowing what to do after I'd done everything. I'd drank two cups of coffee, taken a shower, and done everything else that I usually did. Now I was just left bored.
I realised how much I depended on work to give me something smart to do. As much as I hated to admit that I liked work, I did. It may have been a basic real estate job, but I liked it because it gave me purpose.
Now that I wasn't at work, I was left with my confusing thoughts.
I decided that since I couldn't figure out anything to do, I would come back to what I had been thinking about earlier and while watching TV with my father on Thanksgiving.
"What am I?" I questioned out loud. I knew I was human, obviously. I rested my face in my hands as I thought long and hard.
I knew I was into women, I'd always been attracted to them. That meant there was no way I was gay. Maybe I was bi?
Was I into guys? I had no idea. I knew I found one attractive, and even wanted to kiss said attractive guy, but was I truly into guys?
I asked a few questions in my mind, hoping they would help me figure myself out a bit better.
Did I find guys attractive? Sure. Benjamin was attractive to me, and I did remember finding some other guys attractive on a deeper level than "oh he's got good looks".
Since I could find guys attractive, would I date them? Again, my answer was sure. As long as I had a good connection with him, and truly liked him. Most of my girlfriends had been like that, though. I'd developed a crush on them after hanging out with them for a little while and getting to know them, and then just acted on it. There was no relationship if I didn't like them.
