TW: This book has a lot of descriptions of abuse and because of how often it is, there are no trigger warnings at the beginning of chapters. Take this as a warning for the whole book.
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Samuel never thought that moving out of his childhood home wo...
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xxxviii. To Feel Caged
Not being sure whether or not the baby your girlfriend is carrying is hard. You try not to get too attached in case they end up not being yours, but at the same time you want to feel the growing feelings of love for the child as they grow and develop in case the baby really is yours.
Add in the fact that your girlfriend uses the baby against you to make sure you don't leave her and you get me; a confused, scared, and caged poor excuse of a man who doesn't know what to do.
On one hand, I wanted to leave Taylor, and run from her for the rest of my life, a life that would undoubtedly end in lung cancer instead of being beaten to death. Lung cancer was better than dying at the hands of another.
On the other hand, though, I knew I couldn't leave. Whether or not the baby was mine didn't matter when you reminded yourself that the mother has a background of being an abuser. I would have been heartless to leave a child with her. Besides, I would have preferred to die rather than anyone else. I was already too broken to let anyone else die because of me.
That's why I couldn't leave, instead I let myself feel like a caged bird, desperate to leave but unable to do so.
"Maybe I could try to survive long enough for the baby to be born and leave with them," I thought. It was the best solution I had at the moment.
I couldn't go to the police, no matter what I'd been telling Samuel, and what I'd been trying to convince myself. They wouldn't believe me. Hell, Taylor could make it seem like I was the one hurting her. She could convince them that she was innocent.
I'd seen her do it before. When she truly wanted to, she could manipulate her way out of anything.
Taylor grabbed my hand and pulled me off the waiting room chair, forcing me to follow her and a doctor. I felt like a dog on a leash being pulled around by its owner.
As we walked to one of the rooms, we passed a nurse whose eyes flitted between Taylor's hand that held on to me just a bit too tight, and my face. I didn't know what her deal was, but she looked at me with eyes that seemed to have just the slightest bit of worry in them.
Taylor's nails dug into the palm of my hand, and I followed her, plastering a fake smile onto my lips as I shook the doctor's hand and introduced myself as Taylor's boyfriend.
I watched and listened as Taylor was told to lay down on a bed. Taylor reached her hand out for me with a smile, and I came to stand at her side, grabbing her hand and kissing her knuckles to make myself seem like I cared about her. I was here just to make sure the baby was healthy.
The doctor spread gel onto Taylor's stomach and started up the ultrasound machine. I stared at the screen next to the doctor, not seeing anything but a blurry black and white image. The doctor stopped at a small form.
