diary

23/2

sometimes...
i feel  happy
and then
something happens
in my head
and it all just vanishes
like magic
i become so sad
that i am numb
numb to the feelings i think i still have for you
and numb to the feelings i had for her
and numb to all feelings
it is like i turn into air
and i do not like it
but at the same time i do
because
though i am numb
i have never felt more alive
i am numb to the pain that i get when i think of you
and i am nimb to the pain of thinking of all of the times i was hurt
i am numb to all the bad
but
i am also numb to the good
but i guess it is okay
because
it happens a lot
the part i really do not like
is the fact that i can never sleep
especially when i get like this
but it is okay
because i am fine
because i smile
because i laugh
because i say i am okay
because they need to believe that i am omay
even though
i really just want it to end
i want to sleep and never wake up
i do not like waking up sometimes
i had a dream
i was in new york
everyone was there
we were at the empire state building
we went to the top
i wanted to fly
so i jumped
and i tried
i woke up smiling
then i realized that i woke up
so i got sad
then i had some tea
and i read a book
and i acted like everything was okay
even though
i know it is not okay
it will never be okay
because
i am still here.