diary

6/9

it's been a while

since I last wrote here

I have something written from a few days ago

but I would like to know

is it bad that the only time I actually feel

as though my family loves me

is in my dreams..

I think it is

now onto the actual entrie for today..

someone just asked me to say

something about myself that I never say.

and I couldn't

I said everyone knows everything.

but that's a lie.

because nobody in my family knows

that I don't eat if they give me

something to eat I throw it away

or put it somewhere away from me

because I'm anorexic

and I'm suicidal

and I have bipolar disorder

and anxiety

and depression

and I have so much wrong with my state of mind

I never know what to do.

but nobody knows that.

because I act like I'm fine

and I say that I'm fine

because they wouldn't understand

because how can I be depressed and suicidal

when I have a home

and my parents

and I have a few amazing friends

so what would be so wrong with my life that I would feel this way?

what is so wrong with me

that I feel all of this pain and sadness

even though nobody knows

i feel this

because they all think i am happy and outgoing

they all think that i am okay.

but I'm not i haven't been okay for a long time.

but nobody knows that.

I went to parkview a few months ago

because the school told my parents

that I was writing about killing myself

and I was but I used song lyrics to say it.

and my dad brought me and my uncle went too.

my dad was pissed the whole time and on the way there

he kept asking me why i felt this

because he buys me whatever i ask for

but that isnt true.

and he isn't a bad person but

I wanted to talk about how I felt with the doctor alone

but my dad refused to leave the room.

so i just said that i get weird thoughts

sometimes and i just wanna see where

I go after I die.

but that's not true

I just don't wanna be here anymore

I don't wanna feel this anymore.

but it doesn't stop.

and I don't think it ever will.