Finding Myself

28: Riley

The words, "I'm gay," keep playing on repeat in my head and I'm stunned at Quinn's confession.

I don't know, but she just didn't ever come across as gay to me. Maybe I'm just stereotyping what lesbians looks like. I should really stop that.

So, she's gay. So what?

Wait, what does this mean to me?

I have feelings for her and I thought she was straight, but she isn't. So this whole plan has failed. Things just got a hundred times harder. Maybe I have a chance with her now?

Oh my god, stop that thought right now. I'm with Mason. Let me repeat I'm with Mason. There is no chance with Quinn because she is just a friend and Mason is so much more to me. He's my best friend, I've always loved him and he's always been so kind and I trust him. Can I say the same about Quinn?

I know she's a good person, but it doesn't sound worth it to throw everything away that I have with Mason for Quinn. She might not even like me in that way, just because she's gay doesn't mean she likes me in that way. Plus what if things don't go well between us, that's okay that's life. But I can't imagine my life without Mason there. I need to be with him, it's right. I think.

I can still be friends with Quinn though. So what if I have feelings, it's not important to me. Quinn's friendship is so much more important. I don't want to lose her.

"Are you okay?" Quinn asks me, I snap out of it and look at her, she looks very concerned and slightly afraid.

It hits me that I haven't said a word since she came out to me. That must be such an awful thing to go through. To come out and have the person say nothing to you. I'm fucking up now. I don't want to continue hurting her.

"Quinn, I don't care that you're gay. It doesn't change anything," I finally say.

Quinn takes a deep breath and relaxes her shoulders a bit. I hadn't noticed that she was barely breathing or that she was so tensed. I was thinking about myself instead of thinking about Quinn. I'm so stupid.

"I was scared to lose you for a second," she whispers out while looking down at her feet. Her words break my heart. She would never lose me, I would never leave her behind. I was worried it was the other way around.

Without thinking I walk a few steps towards her and I pull her in for a tight hug. Quinn wraps her arms around me and lowers her head so that it's resting on mine since she is a bit taller than me.

"I'm not going anywhere," I whisper back.

After a bit we both pull back and I notice a few tears rolling down her cheeks. I raise my hand so that I had wipe the tears away and Quinn gives me a small smile that makes my heart beat like crazy.

"It's my turn to wipe those tears away and be here for you," I tell her. Quinn smiles widely and she pulls me in for another hug.

I add, "I'm sorry for today. I know it's been a shitty day. I'm really sorry for sitting this all up. I won't do something without asking for your permission again."

"It's not a totally horrible day. There is still a lot left to do at this carnival that I know will be fun," she replies.

We break apart from the hug and give each other another smile before heading back to the arcades. I'm going to stop this horrible date idea now. I'm not going to make Quinn interact with Joshua any longer.

We make it back inside and I notice that the guys are still throwing basketballs. I walk to them with Quinn right behind me. I try to grab Mason's attention, but he is so focused on beating Joshua. So I walk over to Joshua and try to talk to him, but it's no use.