Finding Myself

Author Note: It's Okay to Struggle

So, I'm sorry this isn't a new chapter. This is me basically talking about what um struggling with, doesn't really have anything to do with this book in general. Just laying that out there, cobtinue to read if you want.

So lately I've been struggling. But it's wierd because not all days are bad. One day can be good and the next can be horrible, it mostly depends on the people I'm around and the situation I'm in. If you were to ask my if I'm happy then I wouldn't know how to answer. How do I measure my happiness on a scale? It changes to fast on a day by day scale, so let's try a year. In the last 1 or 2 years, I still can't say if I'm happy. I just can't. I don't know what I am.

Sometimes I'm happy and vibing with life. Other times I'm reminded of how how much of a disappointment I am, how much I've failed and that my life is going nowhere.

In case you wanted to know, I graduated from university this year, I just turned 21. Got my bachelor's in psychology. I thought that would be a great thing, but I just feel worse. I've been told that I can't make any money with that, that it was a such an easy degree to get, that I should have studied something else. Not going to lie, it's rough hearing all this. No matter how much I try to ignore it and be proud, sometimes I'm not enough to move forward.

You know psychology saved me, but now I feel worse than before. I was so interested in the subject, it helped me write. Helped me realize my passion for writing, for making videos, for traveling and for photography. These are the things I love to do. They are also things that don't help me earn money. Or at least for me I'm not making money on it. I hope in the future I can.

You can see i shifted in what I wanted.

I really did what to make a difference. I really did. I wanted to help so many people. But now...... I don't know what I want. Part of me wants to keep the positive attitude and make a change. The other part of me is tired of everyone's shit. People suck, what can I say. Sometimes I really hate people. I hate everyone. Most people are selfish bastards who think it's okay to hurt other people just because their life was shit or because they think it's okay to take advantage of others to get to the top. Yet a part of me is hopeful for the future and still wants to see the good in people even though almost everyone that I have shown love to has fucked me up badly.

And I get some people. As a pyschology major you learn to understand people and why they do what they do. Some people are going through their own struggles and they cope by pushing others away and ignoring people, but damn it's so painful. It hurts so much to put so much effort and love in a friendship for that person to just leave and treat you like a stranger the next day. I'm torn because I want to hate these people, but I can't. I love and understand them so much.

Sometimes I wish I was like everyone else. I wish I didn't have all this love and understanding. I get hurt too much. I just want to tuen these emotions off and be a bad person, but i can't. That's messed up and I would be no different from other people.

You'll constantly see me contradicting myself in this post. That's how my mind works. I can't pick one aide or the other, I'm always in the middle. I understand both sides. It sucks.

So, yeah. I don't really want to help people anymore. I just want to be happy. I juat want to make enough money and travel. It sounds selfish, but im so done with people. There's so many horrible things going on in the world, especially where I live. I'm from the United States.

It's a shit storm here.

Was it always this bad or did it just start happening? Were people always this cruel? Yes and no, I guess. I mean we all have potential to be good and bad. It just depends I guess, on a number of different factors.

I see so much pain and suffering in the world today. I wish I could help everyone in the world. I wish I could take everyone's pain away, if I could i would do it in a heartbeat. Even if it meant I would take all the pain, I would do it. I would be okay with that because I'm doing something, it would feel purposeful. Like I wouldn't be suffering for nothing. Or sometimes i wish I could have a superpower. I know, it sounds naive. Yet if I had a power I would save the good and punish the bad.

I feel helpless. It gets to me a lot. It makes me angry and cry a lot.

The issues happening all around us, aren't just political. They are ethical/moral issues. Like what the fuck! Why can't people just be decent human beings. Why can't we treat each other with kindness and respect and understanding. Why are people so greedy? Why can't we show more love?

Like I don't give a fuck what color, race, nationality, ethnicity, gender, sexuality, ect. you are. I will treat you as my equal because that's what you are! There's no debate. Ill treat you how I want to be treated. If i want compassion, I'll give you compassion.  If i want understanding I'll give that to you. I'll treat you like a human being because that's what I am.

Whoever or wherever you are in the world, I love you. You're a person. You deserve respect and equality. No doubt about that.

I don't really know where this post is going. It's all over the place because that's just how my mind works. If you're here still reading, thank you for listening to me.

I'm so used to holding everything inside. I'm the healer, I'm the one who is always helping otjer people. No one ever takes the time to ask me what's happening, no one is really there for me. It sucks, but it's also partly my fault. I never prioritized myself, I always put other people first.

I'm always trying to make others proud, bit it's never enough. I just qant to do my own thing and be left alone. I'm surrounded with people who don't agree though. People who are mean and beat me down emotionally. These are also the people I love so much though.

I'm stuck now, but maybe one day I can leave and do what I want and be happy. That's what I hope. Now, I have lots to focus on. I have a part time job, pays well but I don't get many hours and im critized for it. I also should study for two tests so that I can apply for a master's degree that I don't want to do.

Yup, I'm in quite a predicament. I'll figure something out. I have a few months. I'll try to finish my rewrites and self publish some stories and I'll continue to make YouTube videos because it makes me happy. Who knows, maybe I'll make something from my writing this year.

From the bottom of my heart, thank you everyone for reading my stories. I love you all. I trully do. You are all the best.

I used to think i was shit at everything, but you guys changed my mind. You have me so much support and cheered me along the way. Im eternally grateful. You all helped save my life.

Also no need to worry about me. I'm struggling, but I'm fighting through it. I'm not going down, I refuse to go down and let the mean people win.

Thank you for listening again. It feel nice to finally talk about all this. It's therapeutic. ❤

I love you all!!!

Ps: It's like 2:30 am for me. So, please excuse any grammar mistakes, any quick change of topics. This whole thing is a mess and I just wrote it on the spot. That's how I like to write all my stories as well. I never know what will happen in the story until I start writing the chapter that day lol.