Finding Myself

33: Quinn

I wake up and roll around expecting to see Riley, but she's not there. I sit up in bed looking around for her, I'm worried that she had another bad dream and started panicking. She isn't in the room, so I hop out of bed and look in the hallway. Still no sight of Riley, so I head downstairs and notice her dad sitting on the couch and staring out the window. He hears me walking and glances at me and tries to put on a happy face, but his eyes are red.

"Oh hello there Quinn, Riley had to go see Mason, but she'll be back very soon," he says.

I nod and pretend like my heart didn't just break. I head back upstairs to Riley's room and lean against the wall. I feel like crying because I'm so stupid. I really thought I might have a shot with Riley, but she always picks Mason. We had a moment last night and she wakes up and her first thought is Mason. My heart feels heavy and I just want to leave. So, I pack up my stuff and notice the stuffed animal that Riley won for me at the carnival. I want to take it, but I also don't want to have a reminder of our almost what if. So, I decide to leave it and I walk out of the room and down the stairs, looking for Riley's dad. I'm going to give the excuse that my mom needs my help with something and that I need to go home now.

Just as I step down the last step, I almost walk into Riley. We both look at each other in shock, neither of us saying anything. She's the last person I want to see right now. 

She notices that I have my back and teases, "Going somewhere?" Maybe if I wasn't in such a bad mood I probably would have gone along with the teasing. However, it just stings right now.

"Yeah, actually I need to go home," I reply coldly.

"How come? I though we were going to hang out today," she replies.

I can't help but narrow my eyes at her and comment, "Well, I thought so too, but I was wrong. You were with Mason and I thought you would like to be with him instead."

Riley widens her eyes and starts to shift from foot to foot. She knows that she was caught and she stumbles across her words as she tries to explain, "Yeah I was, but to talk about him leaving us last night. He apologized and wants to take us out to eat breakfast as a way to pay back for yesterday. Can't you stay just a bit to go with us?"

Her comment leaves a sour taste in my mouth and makes my heart drop. I can't watch her cozy up to Mason now, especially after last night. I can't help but scoff at Riley, I know it's not right to do, but what she is asking me to do is ridiculous at this point. Does she really not see that I have feelings for her?

"I rather not stay any longer...," I say and I try to hold my tongue, but I blurt out, "Can't you see what you are doing, Riley? You can't have both way. I'm not going to let myself get stringed along by someone who doesn't even know what they want." 

I can see Riley's expression turn to hurt, but i don't give myself time to process what I just said to her. I walk past her and out the door. I haven't called my mom yet to tell her to pick me up, but I don't want to wait around Riley's house after what just happened. So, I decide to just walk home, I only live like fifteen minutes away.

I know I may have ruined whatever friendship I had with Riley, but I can't take it anymore. I like Riley. I really do. I might even love her, but she will always choose Mason. So, what's the point. I don't want my heart to break anymore than it has already. At some point I need to stop torturing myself and move on with my life. I have to be smart and walk away when I know things will not get better. That doesn't mean that I don't regret a single step away from Riley that I take. I want her, I really do, but she doesn't want me.

Twenty minutes have passed and I'm still walking, by now it's hot outside and I'm sweating a lot. I'm still far away from my house, what was I was thinking in walking home? It takes fifteen minutes to get home by car, not by walking. I'm so stupid, I wasn't thinking in the moment that I made the decision.