A Way Back Home | Adopted by Gerard Way (Book Two)

Making Memories (49)

*trigger warning: mention of self harm*

"Look, Raven, I know it's crazy." I pace around Raven's living room. They and Ryder sit on the couch as I go back and forth, watching like a game of ping pong. "But we have to start planning now if we want any chance of it working." I stop and stand in front of the two, trying to hide how out of breath I am after bursting through the door and forcing them to listen to my newest scheme to replace the one Emerald wasn't on board with.

Raven puts their head in their hands. "I can't believe I'm saying this to you right now, but no."

My heart sinks. "Come on, Raven!" I exclaim.

"Yeah, come on, Raven!" Ryder hops off the couch and plants himself next to me, placing his hands on his hips. "At least consider it!"

"We just found out about each other living in the same town yesterday, and now you're asking me to help you escape back to Jersey! You're right, it is crazy," Raven says. "I don't even have a car, Way."

I sit on the floor, defeated. "The fact that you don't have car is definitely a... it's a flaw in the plan, for sure."

"Man, this sucks," Ryder says, sitting on the floor next to me. "I was getting excited to go on a road trip."

"Can't we... I don't know... save up for a car so by the time Ryder and I are done tenth grade we can get some shitty one and go on a road trip to Jersey, like he says?"

Raven looks at me sympathetically. I must look pathetic, sitting cross-legged on the floor, hunched over, trying desperately to iron out the wrinkles in a plan that was doomed from the beginning. "I have a minimum wage job at a gas station and I'm already paying rent for this shitty apartment. I'm sorry, Way, I just can't get us a shitty car too in less than three months."

"I know," I say quietly. "I just... I really miss home."

Ryder puts a comforting hand on my shoulder. "You can still call your family and your girlfriend, though, right? And text them?"

"Sure," I say. "But last time I called Gerard I kinda got mad and hung up on him, so I've been texting everyone but him since then, and I feel really bad about it, but I've just been too scared to call back."

"What'd you get mad at him about?" Ryder asks.

"It doesn't matter." I tug on my sleeves subconsciously. I haven't relapsed again, though, and for that I'm proud. Even if I'm not talking to Gerard thanks to my own cowardice, I'm still reminding myself of what he said, over and over again, as many times as it'll take for me to quit being tempted. If that day will ever come, that is.

I can't talk about it to Emerald, because she still doesn't know and it would crush her if she found out. I don't think I could take knowing that I hurt her like that. And if I'm not going to my own dad about it, I could talk to Frank. I know he'd be there for me, but he seems so happy when we do talk that I don't want to bring down the mood with my late-night breakdowns about how much I hate living with Laura, or about how she's forcing me to go to therapy and get back on my meds (which I'm starting to think isn't such a bad idea, especially after hearing how hurt Gerard was when he found out I stopped taking them, but I'd never admit it to her). The others don't know about my self harm unless Gee or Frank told them, but I don't think they would.

And, of course, no matter how many times Laura tries to raise personal subjects with me, tries to get to know me, I won't comply. She wasn't interested in knowing anything about me before— didn't even want me in her life before— so I'm not about to act like anything's changed, and I don't care how lonely and fucking depressed I get in my room all day hiding from her, anything is better than being in her presence.