A Way Back Home | Adopted by Gerard Way (Book Two)

The Plan (56)

*trigger warning: self harm mention*

The blinds behind me are shut this time as I sit cross legged in the chair facing Bonnie, and I'm actually happy to be here. Before meeting her, I didn't think I was going to like her. I thought I was going to miss Sam like crazy. I do miss Sam, of course. She was rad. But Bonnie is rad too as much as I wouldn't have wanted to believe she'd be a few weeks ago.

"Have you tried any healthy coping mechanisms for when you feel like hurting yourself?" Bonnie asks.

I chew my lip. "Um, to be honest, I never really tried to stop myself. Until Frank and my dad found out, 'cause then it felt like I had more of a reason to stop somehow, 'cause they specifically asked me to and care about me. Does that make sense?"

"I think it makes sense," she says, nodding and making a couple little notes.

"So then, whenever I wanted to do it, I just thought about how disappointed my dad would be if he knew I was still hurting myself after he told me to stop, but then I guess the other night I couldn't do that. Everything was kind of just building up inside me and when Laura yelled at me that was my breaking point."

"Did you think of calling him or Frank? Maybe they could've calmed you down."

"Oh, I would have," I assure her. "And they would've helped me, but Laura took away my phone so I just felt lost."

"Oh, I see," Bonnie says like it all makes sense now. She crosses one leg over the other, tilts her head, and says thoughtfully, "You know, something I like to tell people— or remind them— is that the feeling of wanting to self harm comes in waves, okay? Think about it as waves. You know it'll fizzle out, you just need to hang on and ride the wave until it's over."

I nod, but really I'm thinking the idea of "riding a wave" is stupid. "What if I can't?"

"You can. This is what coping mechanisms are for. Distractions, breathing exercises, self care. Different things work for different people."

Together we write a list that ends up taking nearly an entire sheet of paper of things I can potentially do instead of hurting myself next time I want to. I know there'll be a next time, I just hope I'll have the means of contacting Gerard when it happens. Maybe I should beg Laura to actually install a landline. Then again, I'm too stubborn to actually ask her for something like that.

Bonnie tears the piece of paper out of her notebook, leans forwards to hand it to me and says, "Your homework is to try some of those out."

I stuff it in my pocket. "Okay," I say, knowing it's probably not going to happen.

"Is there anything else you'd like to talk about before we move on?" she asks. I shake my head, so she goes on, "Okay, I was wondering, is there anything you're looking forward to, Evelyn? It's always good to have something to look forward to, especially when things are rough so you can remind yourself that good things are coming."

"Well, I guess when the first six months of living here are up I get to go see my family again." Bonnie nods, a sympathetic smile playing on her lips, but then a light bulb goes off in my head when I remember the conversation I had with Raven and Ryder just a couple days ago. "Wait, I have a better answer. An old friend is driving here from Jersey to visit my friends and I. He's coming at the end of June and I can't wait," I say, smiling at the thought.

"I'm sure it'll be fun to see him. Why don't you tell me about him?"

"His name is Krash and I haven't seen him in a long time."

• • •

As soon as we leave Bonnie's office, Laura drives straight to the pharmacy to pick up my new prescription for antidepressants. She made a point in saying that I will be taking them, and she will be watching me do so every morning. I was in a good mood until she said that, and she could tell because when I got in the car and the smile was still on my face she asked me what it was about.