RUBATOSIS. spencer reid

| twenty two

SPENCER REID.

I SAT IN THE SAME SPOT FOR
the next several minutes, barely even breathing as it all came crashing down on me. Just how desperate was I, and how far would I go just to feel a little better about myself? And even worse, I thought doing all of this to Sylvia would make me feel better about myself—but it didn't. Instead I felt like I'd aged ten years all in the matter of a single day.

It was just mortifying—realizing exactly how infatuated I was with Sylvia, and how crazy it was that I had managed to just silently mope and admire her from afar for years. There were so many ways I could've prevented this from happening tonight—I should've been nicer to her before, and I should've tried a bit harder even if I was so intimidated by Syl when she joined. At least then, we could've been friends. At least then, I could have her in at least some other shape and form than just an enemy.

But it was too late. So many regrets swarmed through my mind, thinking about all the times I've ignored all the urges and instincts to talk to her, tell her I liked her hair that day, or her lipstick. And now, I was sitting here, alone, about to invite a girl over that wasn't even the one.

No one was the one for me these days—it kind of felt like...I was just made for nobody. I wasn't one to believe in soulmates or anything superstitious like that—but that didn't mean some part of me hoped that one day, I'd find someone that reciprocated all the love that I gave them.

But obviously, I couldn't expect that from Sylvia, because I didn't give her any form of love to begin with. If you count acting snarky to her face whenever she opened her mouth, then sure, but no.

So I couldn't complain, because this was entirely my fault. But it was also hers—it wasn't like she tried to connect with me either—when I had helped her in LA and tried to get a bit closer to her...she just, pushed me away. Maybe that was when this all started—this stupid little chase that I had gotten addicted to.

You always want what you can't get.

And at the very least, I thought I could win over Sylvia, but right now, it felt like I'd just lost it all. I felt like I was trekking through the Safari desert with no destination. My legs were weak, my heart was aching, and my throat was dry—like I hadn't had an ounce of water for days.

Sylvia was upset enough for me to realize that she did see me as more than just a nobody—her reaction made me understand that she cared, at least. That was something—but the fact was, whatever she had for me before I invited Melanie over, was gone now. Saying all of that to Sylvia basically set it all in stone that she'd hate me forever.

I mean, the look of hatred on her face said it all. It said, I can't believe I affiliated myself with you for even a single moment. It was plain disgust—and I completely understood why.