RUBATOSIS. spencer reid

| forty two

SYLVIA CONNELLY.

       WE WERE BOTH EQUALLY
exhausted from yelling and crying, so eventually Spencer and I collapsed onto his bed. We talked for a bit about life, mumbling lazy sentences to each other until Spencer finally passed out. I wanted to make him stay up with me for the rest of the night because I wanted to spend more time with him, but I saw the way he was fighting to stay awake to talk to me. It was too painful to watch so I finally shut up and let him sleep.

We talked about a lot of things. It was kind of like our first date, where we just wanted to get to know each other. Spencer seemed to grow less and less tense as our conversations went on, like he slowly forgot that he was supposed to be upset at me. It broke my heart because I knew he was still hurting from what I did.

I found out about how Spencer got harassed in high school. He explained to me that if he ever had a kid, he'd never let them go through what he had to as a child. He said that he'd want them to grow up normal, surrounded by kids their age. Spencer had been through a lot in his childhood and he was determined to never let his son or daughters go through what he did. I didn't tell him this but the whole time I was thinking about how good of a dad Spencer would be.

I also found out that he secretly really liked romance novels and films—basically anything that was so cute that it made you want to throw up. I didn't know that before, but now that I thought about it it made sense. We watched Me Before You one time and that was the first time he didn't blabber about inaccuracies the whole movie. He also cried more than I did, which was really funny.

I told him about some of my stupid hobbies that I normally got bored of after a week of doing them. Spencer wasn't surprised when I told him that I was bad at singing, playing the guitar—anything music related, really. Apparently, I'd already showed him how tone deaf I was when we went to karaoke one night with the team. I couldn't even remember most of the details because I drank too much, but Spencer told me I had tried singing a duet of Under The Sea from The Little Mermaid with none other than David Rossi himself (and it was terrible.)

Spencer also made fun of me for secretly knitting little scarves for a baby that I didn't even have. I was pretty good at it—so I promised the man I'd make him a scarf because he said he liked them...but what he didn't know was that I'd already been making one for him.

It was ironic. I had told myself that it was over before, and yet I just couldn't let go. I still thought of the Spencer, hoping that things would sort themselves out—because when that time came, I wanted to be prepared to show him all of my love. Now was the scarf's time to shine.

I was definitely giving him that scarf because watching him now, all cuddled up beside me and sleeping without a worry in the world—it made me so happy. I didn't want to be anywhere else—and I didn't want to not feel this ever again. I really did need Spencer in my life.