RUBATOSIS. spencer reid

| twenty nine

SYLVIA CONNELLY.

THE MOMENT MY LIPS LANDED
on his was the exact moment where I realized that I was absolutely screwed. I wasn't going to sleep with Spencer Reid and leave him the next morning, or never talk to him again. I just couldn't, because I wanted him so badly. Plus, I couldn't ignore the fact that he was clearly trying and enjoying our time together. I would know right away if Spencer had any other motives, because after being lied to so many times, you just end up picking up on those things.

I was wrong. It seemed like whenever I was so sure of something, Spencer proved me wrong. I already had a set image of him in my mind, but it was only because I didn't even know him from the start.

But he was...very sweet. It was strange, because if I had gone back two years ago when I first joined, knowing that this was the real him, I would've tried so much harder to get closer. It almost made me a bit sad, that we wasted those two years hating the other.

And those feelings were going to take a while to go away, but I was going to try a little harder. And even if standing here right now and kissing him still made me feel insecure, I never wanted it to end. He was like a drug—I knew what I could be getting myself into, but for these few minutes of pure bliss it felt so worth it.

I was getting so attached to him, but I didn't even mind at this point. Fighting it was just so tiring.

And even if we did end up sleeping together tonight, Spencer was probably going to wake up with me on one knee, holding a nice gold wedding band. I wasn't going anywhere.

Because in that moment, all I could really pay attention to (aside from the amazing kiss) were feeling of his hands on my hips, his hair between my fingers, the smell of his cologne—and the fact that I never wanted this to end, ever. And this was only our first date. I wanted to go on all the picnics and walks, road trips, vacations—I wanted it all.

Spencer was just so perfect to me, even if he was a bit mentally unstable, had anger issues, and was pretty manipulative at times—he was still perfect. And I knew that if anything, me seeing him in that light was just going to be a recipe for disaster in the future. He could hurt me and I'd probably end up blaming it on myself.

That was why I was scared.

Because when something finally went wrong again between us—it'd be the worst thing ever. This relationship was full of flaws—first of all, we hadn't even talked about our fight in Chicago, and that night was still fresh in my mind. I could still remember his face, stained with tears after I slapped him—I knew that Spencer couldn't possibly have forgiven me for that. I couldn't even forgive myself for what I did to him, and yet here I was, pretending like everything was fine.

I knew that this little fantasy of ours wouldn't last long—it was just so unrealistic. Spencer and I's relationship was like a goddamn rollercoaster—one moment we were hugging kissing, doing everything a couple did—and the next we were cursing and screaming at the other. And on top of that, we just went on our first date and I just found out that his favorite color was purple.