Black. So much black. Everyone is wearing that dreadful color and is all I want is to run back to my bed and cry. I don't want this.
There is no body to bury; they said there is no possible way to "send it back". So there is a gravestone. A solitary gravestone with his name etched in capital letters across the center of the smooth stone. But it is among the daisies, the same daisies he had proposed in. The same daisies we shared our first kiss in. If he could've chosen, I know he would've chosen here.
The bright day contrasts terribly with the occasion; a warm breeze, a warm sun, warm clouds and warm grass. Everything is warm, but my heart feels cold.
Very few have gathered for the funeral; Mother and Father, James' parents, our good friends and neighbors. Even Jamie's parents came all the way from the next town over.
Tears fill everyone's puffy, red eyes as the preacher speaks on James' behalf. His lips move, solemnly and sadly, but I hear no words. The only thing I see is James' name, along with his birth and death date.
Captain James Harold Nicholls
Born: March 9th, 1893
Died: September 19th, 1914
My heart aches with a never ending pain, a pain that only James could've fixed. I still don't believe the words carved before me. I don't know if I ever will. I'll wait and I'll wait, and even if he never comes home I won't give up on him like this.
The people start to leave, throwing sympathetic glances my way, some embracing me and apologizing. I play the part, thanking them for coming and pretending to be alright. James' parents and mum stay behind, silently waiting for me to speak, to cry, to run home. But I stay. And soon, through tears, they leave me alone.
Alone with the gravestone and the daisies.
Memories from what seem like hundreds of years ago come flooding back, paining my heart all the more.
"Would you like to walk with me,
Katherine?"
"Where?"
"Oh, anywhere. Off to China, maybe Greece or Rome. Italy! Or we can wander deep down onto the great road of imagination, and maybe ride some unicorns and fight off dragons. Wherever you like, Katherine dear."
"Hmm, I choose Rome."
"Wonderful. To Rome!"
"To Rome!"
I laugh at the precious memory, but my heart aches to go back and relive it. We had seemed so young and carefree, not a worry in the world. It had only taken days for our world to be turned upside down, and now mine is hopelessly crumbling.
"Would it be too direct of me to say I love you, Katherine?"
"Only if it's not too direct of me to say I love you."
What would my life be like if I had kept my love for him a secret? Would it be easier, now, to live without him? I could have kept those three words hidden deep inside, and perhaps I could've lived with the pain.
Or with regret for the rest of my life. There are many possibilities in the world, but it was something wonderful and perfect that brought James and I together. I wouldn't live a thousand lives in place of the time I had with him.
I can live with the pain. I can hold myself together.
But why do I feel as if my body is shattering into a million pieces?
Quickly glancing around to confirm my solitude, I run my hand over the stone as I kneel before it, letting all the tears and emotions finally break loose as cries escape my lips.
"Oh, James," I whisper through a quivering voice, "I miss you so much."
The small breeze transforms into a large guff of wind that blows my hair into a frenzy, my tears sliding back into my ears.
"We're back in the daisies, James," I whimper, never removing my hand from his stone, "Back where you told me you loved me. Back where you first kissed me and asked me to marry you. It's quiet here, James. I think you'll like it."
Instinctively, I wait for an answer, not realizing it at first but when I do a sorrowfully faint chuckle escapes my quivering lips.
"James," I lean down to lay besides him, whimpering, "I'm suffering. My heart hurts so badly and it won't go away! I need you, James...I need you to fix it..."
My eyes flutter shut, sealing away the tears that refuse to stop falling.
The sky should be grey. The heavens should be raining tears. This beautiful picture of golden daisies and yellow sunlight does not match my crying soul. Everything in my world is breaking. James was the most important piece of me and without him I can't ever be put back together.
But I forget. The baby. I can't let this piece of James come into the world to live with a mother who cries every night and sulks every morning. James wouldn't want that.
"Don't forget my love for you, and no matter what happens, never stop smiling. Never stop dreaming. And most importantly, never stop living the beautiful life you have."
Those were his last words.
Smile. Dream. Live. All the things I am finding to be impossible. But I will.
I will smile. I will dream. And however hard it may be, I will live.
"I never got to tell you, James. I'm pregnant! Can you believe it?" I choke, forcing a taut smile to etch its way across my cheeks.
"He's going to look just like you, James."
--
A/N:
Hehe. Sorry it's been forever since I've updated, guys. I guess my excuse is that I simply forgot. Well here's your new update, and there's only like two or three chapters left!
I honestly haven't gotten much feedback from my readers throughout so I don't know how you all have liked the story up to this point, but I hope that you've enjoyed it and I hope it's reached your standards! Thanks so those to have been reading though, even if you aren't voting and/or commenting, the reads mean just as much to me :)
Chow!
- 〽️iddleAsgard
YOU ARE READING
Surreal
Fanfiction"We regret to inform you that your husband, Captain James Nicholls, was killed in action, on September 19th, 1914." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ And I could feel the child inside me crying with the pain of having to come into this world fatherless.
