Surreal

Chapter 21 | Picking up the Pieces

Joey lumbers slowly behind me, running his hands playfully across the tips of the golden daisies as he zig-zags aimlessly through the field. In my arm, I cradle a bundle of the fresh and fragrant blossoms, mixed with the beautiful QueenMary's Lace, as I stroll as nonchalantly as manageable towards his headstone.

Little Joey is still far too young to understand the meaning of death, and it's difficult to hide my expressive emotions from him. Every time James' name is mentioned, I want to break down in tears and lock myself away where I will never have to try to live again.

But James wanted me to live. As if he knew his day was coming, he had told me never to stop living, to move and and pick up those broken pieces. What a difficult task to be given, especially when there are so many missing pieces. Joey has fulfilled so much in my life without James, he has made me joyous beyond anything that could, but I find myself thinking it is not enough.

I want James back. His scent, his touch, his-

Out of everything I want, it is all for myself. James wanted me to live, to go on without his scent and his touch. To smile. But it's so hard to think that wanting those things is selfish.

Out of nowhere, Joey dashes up ahead of me, his arms stretched out like a bird, and in each of his tiny hands is a small bundle of daisies. Blowing raspberries, he spins around in tight circles that only a toddler would think of as fun, and then breathlessly collapses to the ground, his feet flying up into the air.

"Mum," he calls inquisitively from down beneath the flowers, "My nose itches."

I laugh, "It's from the flowers, Joey."

His head suddenly pokes up from the ground, above the daisies. "What did dey do?"

"It's called allergies," I smile warmly at his childishness, "Certain plants and animals make some people sick."

"Did Daddy have da allergeries too?" he asks harmlessly, but my smile quickly fades.

"No..." I say quietly, remembering all the times James and I had wandered up in this meadow ourselves, "Daddy didn't have allergies."

Unmoved at the mention of his father, Joey giggles and falls back into the flowers, obviously not caring out his newly discovered allergies. I continue to head towards the gravestone, but the closer I get to it, the more sadness I feel from it.

The sun gleams down over the fresh spring daisies, encasing the meadow with warmth and bright sunlight. The blue sky is littered with thin, whispy clouds that seem to hover over us, carelessly strolling across the sky in no hurry whatsoever. Bright, green grass makes this day just as perfect as if everything really was perfect, the fresh blades especially green in the new spring season.

As I walk, James' tombstone comes into view, almost buried amongst the ever growing daisies and tall, thin whisps of grass. Reflections off the shining stone catch my eye from the hot sun, forcing me to squint from the bright glow. My feet take me to the foot of his grave in too-quick seconds, and I fall to my knees, brimming with tears. Running my hand across the smooth stone, the words slip out without hesitation.

"It's such a beautiful day James," I whisper slowly, allowing time to take its toll, "The daisies are the most golden they have ever been; I brought some for you, so did Joey. He's grown so much James, his birthday was only two weeks ago! Four years old now, can you believe that, James?" I take an inhale of breath as I try desperately to relieve the heartache, "He talks a lot about you, now. Ever since he met Albert and Joey, he's wanted to meet you. He loves you so much, but I don't think he understands yet."

"With the war ended now, I don't know what to do, James. It hurts. But I think I'm almost there, almost back to living. You told me to never stop living James, to never stop smiling and dreaming. Joey helps me live, but even as slowly as it takes, I will make you happy, James. The smiles and dreams, and even life itself had left me when you did, but now I'm beginning to understand. I will never stop loving you James, and I will never stop crying over you. But just because I try to forget the pain, doesn't mean I have stopped loving you. I understand that now. I understand..."