Metamorphosis

I Doubt You Are Haunted By These Things

Some days go like this:
When it's been 2 years since he last talked to me, and a couple months more since he last assaulted me.
It's been a couple weeks since I last remembered him this way. He can come up in conversation and all I have to say is "my ex" instead of his name, so he's a broad idea, not twice identified.
But today I wake up, and as I do my advanced math assignments for school I'm reminded he wanted to be an engineer. Somehow all the suppressed memories flood out of nowhere. He goes to college 5 hours away, and one day he'll have a career, and he'll interact with other people. He's a real person. He's a real person. He's a real person. I remember all things I convinced myself didn't matter anymore. It hurts so bad, I want to stop existing, or escape back into bed.
But I remember him and it's like the first time I realized he abused me- it was one of the many days I cried in my therapists office-she sadly looked at me saying "He raped you." I finally had a word for the pain. Remembering him is like realizing my pain all over again.