The flirtation project

Part 2 - Chapter 23

"im so sorry."
"its ok carlos. it was noones fault."

i sat by the hospital bed with carlos, alice and trent. after i finished crying i called them and asked thm to come. they arrived quickly. but when they realised why they were there they crid to. even trent. big tough trent.

we all just sat there in silence. secretly praying for Q to awaken. the door opened but i didnt look. it was probably just the nurse or something coming to check the machine. i felt a hand on my shoulder but still didnt look back. it was probably trent or Q. no, my thoughts are dumb. Q couldnt do that. he always did but im looking down at him in a hospital bed. the hand was to strong to be carlos. and to big to be trent.

i looked up and saw a familiar face looking at me. how could he? why? how did h even know?

"what. are you here to say 'i told you so' ?" my eyes were stinging and i was crying so hard.
"what? no. im here to comfort you."
"how could that work? you hate him. your probably smiling on the inside right now."
"no, it depresses me to see you like this."
"yeah, see me like this. you dont give a crap about my dying fiance, do you? no. you care that poor little baby jenny got some stitches. not that poor Quentin is dying."
"jen, its not like that."
"yeah. right."
"im serious! i love you sis. and im here to help."
"help me with what. unless you can stop someone dying i dont care."
"for fuck sakes jenny! im trying to comfort you here. stop being a bitch!"
"see, this is the real you. thanks josh. i feel so much better. so much fucking better" sarcasm dripping from my words "i just dont see why your here or how you found out about this"
"jen. i know everything."
"can you just fuck off?"
"no, jen. i will stay with you through this."
"no! just go, ok. go!"
"i will stay"
"go away!"

i stormed out of the room and walked to the lobby. i signed myself out and drove home. 

when i arrived i went straight to my room and cried my eyes out. there was nothing else really to do.

everyone else got home a bit later, i stayed in my room until dinner. then went straight back in.

~

when i woke up i didnt want to go to uni. so i didnt. i just stayed in bed all day. and i barely ate. nothing very interesting happened. i just clutched pictures of Quentin. and hugged his pillow.

i feel like nothing without him.  is this what my mother felt when dad left?

crap now i feel guilty as shit. and josh. i shouldnt have pushed him away. i was scared and sad and angry. and i took it out on him. he deserved it but i still feel bad.

why though?

oh gosh

im feeling all dead and mutilated inside.

~

it was the same for the next few days. sleep, cry, eat, cry, cry, repeat.

no one talked to me. they sensed that i was not in the mood. ever. i wasnted to go back to see him but it would just make me cry more. 

why was my life so messed up?

~

i went back to the hospital. i walked up to Quentins room and opened the door slowly. there were two others in the room. a nurse and a sleeping guy, he looked homeless. he was sleeping on the chair and his neck was resting on uncomfortable angle. he lookd familar though.

i ignored him and walked over to the bed. i sat there and started crying again. the man moved a bit before standing up. he walked over to me and rested his hand on my shoulder. 

"it'll be ok." oh fuck. are you serious.
"fuck off josh"
"well jeez. dont even say hello."
"why are you here?"
"i nevr left."
"what?"
"i stayed here. i havent left since i got here when you guys were here"
"why?"
"because. i dont want him to be lonely."
"you dont give a dingle fuck what happens to him."
"wanna know the truth"
"sure. fucking explain this shit to me."
"ok, well you know i hate any guy who likes you. or you like."
"yeah so what. thats why you hate Q"
"well. i thought he was the typical guy. sleep with you then leave. but when i saw that he had proposed my entire mind was changed. i saw that he was a commited gentleman."
"OH, SO YOU FOUND OUT THEN HUH"
"shut up." he sighed. "look. i actually kind had alot of respect for him after that. but i cant just change like that. it would make me seem weak. so i kept up the act of hate until i left. but. this guy is actually pretty cool."
"YOUR FUCKING KIDDING RIGHT?!"
"what"
"YOU DID THIS BECAUSE YOU DIDNT WANT TO SEEM WEAK!"
"whats wrong with that!"
"YOU TOLD HIM HE WAS A PEICE OF SHIT. THATS WHY HE GOT A JOB. SO HE COULD SPOIL ME AND BE NOT A PEICE OF SHIT TO YOU. THUS WAS NEVER MY FAULT. IT WAS YOURS!"
'well... maybe."
"fuck you."

i left once again and went back home. when i arrived i went to my room and tore up a picture of me and josh together from last year.

i was so pisesed at him. it was his fault. he had to much pride. that fucking bitch. i cant even. i just want to strangle him right now. like full on. hands to throat. dead body. ugh. i want him dead. i have no respect for him whatsoever now. i dont ever want to see him again, he did this. he did this to me, and to Q. 

im so friking pissed. i ripped up some more crap before crying myself to sleep.

******************************************

so depressing. 

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~jen