Maddie's Girls

Chapter 28

♀ Rebecca ♀

Loving isn't my strong suit.

It's more like a thing that makes me stupid. And angry, too.

Love shouldn't make me angry. I'm not the first woman who's ever been in love with someone who doesn't love them back. I'm not the first one, nor am I the last one. I should get over it. I'm not going to die because of this. It might hurt for a while, mostly at night, I'm sure. For some reason, things hurt more at night, but I'm sure at some point it'll stop.

At some point, I'll meet someone else. At some point, I'll love someone else. At some point, someone else will love me.

The thing is, though, I'm not someone who's used to wanting something and not having it. And lately, all I want are things. I can't have. I love people who I cannot have.

One day, she had said, you'll give your heart to someone and that person will be lucky to be loved by you, Rebecca Mancini.

Ain't life funny?

I wish I could get her words out of my head. I wish I could erase the way I feet when she touches me. It drives me insane. It's like I come undone under her gaze. It's annoying because it's not like it takes much effort from her side to make me feel like this. Our fingers would slightly brush and my whole body would be a tingling mess. I love how she makes me feel.

I hate it too.

I hate that I feel this way. I hate that I'm so soft when it comes to her. That I'm so needy for what isn't meant to be for me.

I'm Rebecca Mancini. I can have anything I want. I could go out and bring any boy or girl I want back home with me. People want me. People lust after me.

But I love her. I want her.

I shake my thoughts away. Love. Love. Love. What is it with love? What is it with me and love that it seems to be the one thing that won't let me be the fuck alone? It's a feeling, it's an emotion, it's something that cannot be seen nor touched; it has no physical form yet I feel it here, constantly, beside me, mocking me because I've loved two people and it's never returned.

Over the years, I just sort of thought that maybe if your love is wrong, then maybe you didn't get to be loved back. If you ruin what you touch, then that explains it. Who could love someone who ruins things? Who could love someone who's impulsive, who's mean, and cruel?

Your love isn't greedy nor selfish, your love is... tender, soft and pure— She had said. Like you.

Like me.

How did she manage to always make me believe I'm more than what I am? How did she manage to always make me feel so loved, so giddy, so— alive?

"Fuck," I groan as a girl from Year 12 runs into me. She's apologising but I'm so mad that I don't want to hear it.

I don't even know why I'm so mad. I knew Asha and Maddison had a thing. I saw the huge Love-bite on Asha's neck when I was going to tell her that I was in love with her. I know they're somewhat together, I know Maddison has feelings for Asha, so why am I like this over that stupid confession?

I guess, I just thought it could've been different. I thought that maybe after she kissed me then maybe things with Maddison and her weren't as serious, that maybe she realised that perhaps she could love me, that we could be.

For a second, for a split of a second... I really did think I was going to get the girl.

I rush to the bathroom, tears running down my face as I lock myself in a stall. I sit on the toilet, breathing in and out, slowly reclaiming control of my own body.