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Shirt A short Namjoon imagine
Dear Namjoonie,
I can't even bring myself to ask you how you are after hurting your heart like the way I did. I am never going to forgive myself for the way I've left you miserable and confused over our relationship when you have did everything to keep it strong.
You fought for it alone...
When I cared less to even bother. To even ask you how you have been... How your day was...
The simplest things I ignored would have meant a lot back then.
May be we would have been together now? May be I wouldn't be writing this letter alone with tears filled in my eyes. Heart filled with pain. Throat clogged with guilt to even utter a single sound of cry.
When I left you, I thought I could handle it all alone. Thought I could stand by myself and take care of all the things I've left behind. Thought I could walk away easily after breaking your heart countless times everyday after day after day.
These days I miss you even more. My mother used to tell me that you won't know the importance of things until you loose them. I do now. I had a painful realisation of how important your love was after I left you.
Do you know? I still have the shirt I bought you on our first anniversary. Still smells like you...
I remember the way you hugged me to sleep that day because I just asked you to. Even though you hate hugging in sleep. Sorry for giving you a hard time.
Now I have the shirt with me. Still has your scent on it. Still sleep wearing it.
Except
It empty now.
Wishing that the shirt still had you.
Wanting you to magically appear by my side every morning I wake up. But the other side of the bed is always cold and empty.
I ask sometimes, what have we become? What happened to us? These days I can't even dare to call you because if you are happy without me I can't bring myself to accept the fact that I have forced you to fight for us all along.
Have you cried in your sleep? Did I make you so sad that you wished this all ended when we wake up in the morning?
Only for it to start again.
And again
And again.
Each day.
I'm writing this half asleep and half drunk.
The big city for small town girl didn't seem much big because I had you. In the world of your love everything seemed so small. Even the simplest places with you seemed like heaven.
The city feels so lonely now.
Joonie.
Very lonely.
I am a bad person. I didn't deserve you. I treated you like jewellery. I'm so sorry I didn't mean to try you on. I ignored you. Ignored us. Broke us apart. Tore us till the end.
It's your birthday today, I'm not sure if I should call you? Would I sound desperate?
Sorry joonie. For a millionth time. Sorry that I didn't let you help us.
We had left so many things behind. Have you found someone worth your love? Because I didn't deserve it. Never deserved it joonie.
Remember the time when we moved in together and you kept me close to you all day because you were beyond happy?
There is no one who could hold me like you. Noone who could look at me the way you looked. I went on two dates in past months.
I didn't answer them because I don't want some stranger to come and fill the hole in my heart. Don't want someone else to suffer the way you did. You didn't deserve what you went through. And I will be sorry till my last breathe.
I can't believe I left an angel like you. Was I a lunatic?
But I hope you will find someone who will love you the way you deserve to be loved.
Because that someone isn't me.
One of many undelivered letters to Namjoon. Because I'm not brave enough to send them.
I love you to death and I've realised it a little too late.
