Arms Length

Chapter 12: Silence

**Billie**

"MOM! Have you seen my passport?" I swear I just had it.

"Did you check your backpack?"

"Yes!"

"The red one too?" Fuck, no. Where is the red one? "It's on the kitchen table." I stomp into the kitchen and snatch the bag off the table. I've been in a mood since I left Jade's apartment 3 days ago. She left me a message, but I haven't even listened to it. Probably some lame-ass excuse about how she and the person she said 'I love you' to agreed to be in an open relationship. I dump out the contents of the bag on my bed and find my passport and the earbuds I've been looking for for the past month. Definitely taking those along with my sketch book, never know when I'll need it.

I thought Laura said everyone else would be flying out on Sunday? Why is my entire team here? "Couple changes" Laura says setting her backpack on the floor. "Long Story." I notice Jade isn't here, which I'm not really surprised. "Danny will fly out tomorrow with Chelsea. Me and Sophie... who I sent to get coffee for me are flying out with you today." She says never looking up from her phone.

"Okay." I don't even bring Jade up. I don't want to. I'd rather just stay angry at her. I'd really rather not see her until tour begins.

Boarding for our flight begins and while I half expect to see Jade run through security, my heart breaks a little when I get to my first-class seat and watch my family, Laura and Sophie along with the rest of the people in the first-class take their seats.

I flop down face first onto the fluffy blanket of the hotel bed and groan into the blankets, this bed reminds me of Jade's bed, the soap in the bathroom smelled like Jade. It seems like everything in this room reminds me of her. I even found strands of her blue hair on one of my white hoodies.

I feel like she broke my trust, but how is what she did or didn't do any different than what I was doing to her and Sophie? The moment I started feeling something deeper for Jade I stopped messing around with Sophie. And now that Jade isn't here Sophie is practically throwing herself at me... Fuck what do I do now? I pull out my phone and call the one person I know I can talk to.

"What's up?"

"I need your advice."

"Be right there." 3 short knocks and I let Finneas in, "What's wrong?"

"Did I fuck up?"

"I'm going to need a back story, Bil." He says plopping down on the bed. Oh boy.

"You can't tell anyone, not even Claudia." He looks at me, "I'm serious, Fin."

"Ok"

20 minutes later I've explained to Fin the entire situation from flirting with Sophie to my feelings for Jade and her and I having sex...multiple times. I'm pretty sure he wants to throw up in his mouth.

"She said 'I love you' to someone else.... In front of me Fin." I wipe my eyes. I don't remember the last time I cried over someone.

"Have you tried calling her, Bil? Maybe she was talking to a sibling or a step-mom?"

"No, she left me a message." I show him my phone. "I haven't even listened to it yet."

He takes my phone from me and plays the message, putting the message on speaker-phone, "Hey, it's me. I'm not going to London... obviously... not that you give a shit." She pauses "The person I was saying 'I love you' to on the phone was my sister, Daphne. I'm going home because my asshole father has to have emergency surgery. So good luck at the Brits. Bye Billie."

I let the tears stream down my face, I know I fucked up. It really was the absolute last thing I thought. "Do I call her?"

"I would." He pats my shoulder as he pushes himself off the bed and kisses my temple before leaving the room. I know he's right, I need to call her, at least let her know I don't hate her and that I do care about her. Apologize for accusing her of cheating when we were never exclusive in the first place.

I press her contact info and the call goes straight to voicemail, I can't even bring myself to leave her a voicemail and just hang up. God, I'm soft.

**Jade**

When I was a little kid I loved, absolutely loved living in a coastal city, I mean the beach was less than an hour away from my house. I never had to ask my parents 'are we there yet?' on the way to the beach. I'd wonder how kids who lived in states like Oklahoma dealt with not being near a beach, or had they ever seen a beach? Now? Driving down the familiar highway and streets of city that built me feels foreign. I feel like Atlas, only he carried the world on his shoulders; I'm just carrying my own feelings of self-loathing. The only solace I've found has been sitting on the beach, where the sound of the waves crashing drowned out my thoughts.

The sky is beautiful, I don't remember the last time I saw stars at night or the moon... the off-shore oil-rigs dot the horizon like tiny cities that hover above water; which is starting to reflect a soft orange color. I didn't realize I'd been here all night. I feel so numb, but so angry, and alone at the same time. My legs are numb from sitting in the same position on the cold sand in February, but I feel numb because I don't know if I should be sad? I'm angry at myself because I don't know if it's ok to not to be sad; and alone because that's exactly what I am... alone.

My father never made a full recovery, shortly after his by-pass he suffered from what his surgeon called an aortic aneurysm. How do you mourn the death of someone you only felt obligated to love because they're your parent? I never hated my father, up until I was in my teens my dad was my hero, but for the last 4 years he was never there. Daphne is really upset, I honestly wish I could sympathize with how she feels, but, I can't. I don't even know if I can forgive my father, not even in death.

I was listening to Daphne, Jason and my Aunt Sherri talk about who needs to call who, where the funeral should be, what our fathers obituary should say. I excuse myself from the kitchen table, grab the key's to Daphne's SUV, and walk out of the house without a second thought. And, that's what led me to this spot on the beach. I brush the sand off my leggings and trudge back up to the car, I lean back in the driver's seat and watch the sun slowly rise over the gulf it's absolutely picturesque. Billie would love this sight. I look over at my phone that I've had turned off since I stepped foot inside the hospital. I just shake my head, I don't feel like dealing with the noise, but I know I have to. With a deep breath I power my phone back on and give it a moment before the notifications start flooding in. Mostly emails, I'll read those later, 4 angry texts from Daphne, then an apology text from Daphne. 13 missed calls from people on Billie's team, 1 from Billie herself, a threatening text from Danny, and an 'are you ok?' text from Finneas?

I can't deal with any of this right now. I toss my phone into the passenger seat and make my way back to my sister's house.

"Who are you going to call first?" I ask Daphne as I look over the list of relatives we need to call.

I watch as she pinches the bridge of her nose and tries to hold back tears. "I don't know Jade."

"Look Daph, I know this is a lot more difficult for you... I don't mind making these phone calls."

All she does is nod and make her way back to Chase's nursery to see why he's crying. I look at the list again. Who is going to be the easiest to call first? Who is going to take the news the hardest? I chew on my lower lip weighing my options. Do I call the very few friends my father had or do I call the three siblings he had first? I take a sip of my coffee and dial the first number on the list.

"Hello?"

"Hi... Uncle Thomas, it's Jade..."