Arms Length

Chapter 28: Witness me

**Jade**

Michelle Obama said this regarding grief "It hurts to live after someone has died. It just does. It can hurt to walk down a hallway or open the fridge. It hurts to put on a pair of socks, to brush your teeth. Food tastes like nothing. Colors go flat. Music hurts, and so do memories. You look at something you'd otherwise find beautiful-a purple sky at sunset or a playground full of kids-and it only somehow deepens the loss. Grief is so lonely this way." that's how today is, everything hurts. And, in a house full of people that love me and loved Daphne and Jason I feel lonely, even as Billie stands next to me as we brush our teeth and eye one another in the mirror; I feel lonely, broken and hurt.

I wipe my mouth with a towel and make my way to Chase's nursery, I have to push the hurt, the loneliness and broken feeling down as I open the door and am greeted with bright blue eyes and pink cheeks. "Good Morning." I say walking over to my nephew as he bangs the palm of his hand on the rail of the crib and babbles, I'm assuming he's also telling me "Good Morning." "Did you sleep ok?" I ask picking him up and kissing his cheek over and over. "Let's get you changed, okay?" I lay him on the changing table and get him changed into a new diaper along with the gray onesie and black overalls I laid out for him last night.

"Is it wrong to tell you, you look beautiful?" Billie asks watching me zip the side zipper on my dress.

"I'm not sure what funeral etiquette says about compliments..." I sigh smoothing the dress over my hips while looking in the mirror, I don't feel beautiful at all.

"Well, you look beautiful." I feel her hands rest on my hips and meet her gaze in the mirror, though she's seen me naked countless times; I feel bare-naked standing in front of her in the mirror, even though I'm fully clothed. Like every emotion I've hidden from her is written across every inch of my body in invisible ink and only she can see the words. "Hey, come here." I feel her turn me around and warmly embrace me.

"I'm sorry."

"For what baby?"

"All of this..." I mumble into her neck.

"Shush." I hear her say into my ear as she rubs my back. "Don't be sorry."

I take a deep breath and loosen my grip from her neck and swallow the lump in the throat. I need to compose myself, I can ugly cry and fall apart in the shower on my own tonight after the house is sleeping.

The church is at maximum capacity, half of these people I don't know and have never met, and in the last 18 months I've seen more family members than I have in 23 years, the entire building smells like a combination of summer air and roses. Everything hurts. No longer aware of the people around I focus on the pearl casket in front of me that holds my sister and the huge arrangement of white roses, peonies, and hydrangeas that sit atop the casket.

"Sweetheart..." I hear Maggie's sweet voice next to me, and I realize it's just us in the church. "Everyone's waiting on you." I look outside and see my family along with Finneas, Patrick and Billie who's bouncing Chase on her hip while he smiles brightly at her. He's already in love.

"O-okay. I'll be right there."

"Okay sweetie." I hear her walk down the aisle as I stand up and walk over to the closed casket.

"I'll take good care of Chase, okay? But you have to promise me that if I ever ask you for advice or a sign, you'll be there...okay?" I say putting my hands on the casket. "I love you Daph. Tell mom hi..." I swallow the lump in the throat, kiss my palm and place it gently on the casket before exiting the church. Everything hurts.