The Story That Never Happened

Chapter 6

Once I got home, I decided to make myself a hot chocolate to destress before bed. Todd and I have constantly had this conversation before, and it always ends the same. One of us gets frustrated and walks out. It's not that I don't want him to come with me, or I don't think we will work once we go to university. I just don't want him to feel guilty or like he's missing out on a different opportunity because of me. These decisions can dictate the rest of our lives, and it's highly likely we won't be apart of each other for that much longer. I do have love for him, and care deeply for him, but I don't think I am in love with him. He told me he loves me a couple weeks ago. His face was overjoyed. I could see it in his eyes. I just didn't feel the same. So, I said, "thank you". I felt terrible, but it was the truth, and at the beginning of our relationship, we promised each other to always be completely honest with each other no matter how harsh it was. I think that's why we lasted this long, because we aren't afraid to fully communicate and open up to each other. He is the first proper guy I have been able to open up to about anything, besides Kaeden of course. Some part of me thinks it may be best to break it off, but I know that it would completely crush me if I did before we even tried the long-distance thing. However, if he can't recognize how much it hurts me to be the main influence on his post secondary decision, then does it really matter? Which pain is more?

I was startled when the kettle popped off indicating the water was ready. I poured my milk in first to combine with the hot chocolate mix, then I slowly incorporated the hot water. Lastly, I topped it off with coconut whipped cream. My favourite.

"How's it going hun." My mom asks as she enters the room and starts making her own cup.

"I'm alright."

"Oh. Do you want to talk about it?" I love that about my mom. I don't even need to explain why I was feeling alright, she didn't even care for a reason. Although, I'm pretty sure she knew why. She just understands me, right to the core. It's kind of creepy.

We sat down at the island in our kitchen, and I told her about Todd and I's argument at the tailgate party. I then explained my thoughts and emotions on the situation. My mom honestly is my own personal therapist. I don't know what I'm going to do without her when I leave.

"So, why not just be honest with him?" she questions, taking a sip.

"I've tried, but no matter what, he just seems to fail to see what I'm trying to say."

"He fails to see it because he's dumb? Or does he fail to see it because he doesn't want to since he knows you're right?"

"Both?" I ask.

"Now I think you're lying to me," she laughs as she gets up to put her mug in the dishwasher, "you know what you need to do. It just takes a matter of time."

She was right. I do know what I need to do. I need to talk to him. Not just talk about the issue, but I need to confront him about him owning his own truth. Not just for himself, but for us and our relationship.