Just do it √

Twenty-six

"What do you see when you dream?"
As random as the question was, those were the kind of things Sir. Dominic was fond of asking. He sat across the table, calmly scrutinizing me.

"I don't dream".
The expression that crossed his face was one I knew too well, I hardly got it but I'd always recognize it. Pity.
"You don't dream or you don't remember when you wake?"
I shook my head.
"I don't dream. When I close my eyes to sleep, it's dark till I wake".
He continued his scrutiny of my face.

"Has it always been like this?"
"No but I can't remember the last time I had a dream, maybe while I was still at Alade's house. I hear voices when I sleep but I don't see anything".
"What do they say?"
"I don't know". His eyes told me he knew I was lying but the truth wasn't something I was ready to give.
He wrote something down on his notebook.

"You are a light sleeper?" He asked, still scribbling.
"I think I am".
"What do you want to be when you grow up?" He was looking at me again.

What did I want to be when I grow up? I hadn't thought about it. I thought about a lot of things like how my mom was fairing, if my friends were okay, where my father was, how the world would be if there was no school, what would happen during the holidays, how I'd get my grades up but never really about what I'd do with good grades, what course I'd study in the university, if I'd go to the university or where I'd be in the next ten years. It had always been one day at a time for me.

"I don't know".
"You don't want to grow up?"
"I do but can't I decide when I'm grown?"
"What will you be doing until then? What drives you, Amanda? What keeps you from giving up?"
That one wasn't too hard to answer.

"My friends, they look at me like I actually matter, they share their lives with me. My friends show me different reasons to smile everyday, they stand up for me when I can't stand up for myself. My biggest motivation has always been Alade, everytime I think of him I remember how much he loves me, he was so proud of me even when there was nothing to be proud of. Alade had big dreams for me, he believed I could be somebody".

"But you have no idea what you want to be".
I nodded and he smiled.
"I can't tell you what to be and you don't have to figure it out now but you need to know something.  Nobody lives a happy life when their happiness is tied to other people. You have great friends but after Apex you don't know where life will take you all.

"You have to build a life for yourself that is based on and defined by you. You need to redefine yourself. So far, your life has been about the things that were done to you but this is the part where you reclaim it and make it about the things you'll do to move above it. You are bigger than circumstances, so much bigger".

I felt them roll down my cheeks, those things I hated to let out and I avoided Sir. Dom's eyes. I knew he could see them and he didn't seem to mind but I did and I wasn't going to let anyone see me cry so I stood to take my leave but he stopped me.
"You do matter, Amanda. Never forget that".

My free period wasn't over yet so I hurried to the changing room and got into my sports wear. There was something about feeling the cool breeze on your face while your legs stretched to their limits, carrying you along with everything that made you, you and expelling everything else out into the wind. I ran to escape and today I needed to escape because even as Sir. Dom had knocked on all the right doors, I wasn't ready to open them but he had found them and it scared me, they were a part of myself I didn't want to revisit.

"Who are you contesting with?"
I hadn't been more frightened in my life. One second I was flying in the air and the next, I was landing on my palms.
"Shoot. Are you okay? I thought you heard me coming?" He crouched so he was staring at me with what looked like concern.
I got myself to my feet and so did he.